When To Tell Your Child

That You Are Non-Monogamous…

Photo of me by my husband, Liam (2024)

Parents have difficult conversations with their children all the time.

Across the world, parents sit with their children and share all sorts of information, ranging from family members being unwell, to news that they are moving to another country or that the parents are separating. As separation and divorce rates continue to rise, more and more difficult conversations are taking place.

The separation of parents can have a huge impact on a child’s life, both in the short and long term, and sharing the news of this upcoming change with a child can be incredibly difficult. It brings an awareness to the child that a significant shift is coming. Day-to-day life, as they know it, may begin to look different, along with the reality that they may see one or both of their parents less often. With this change may also come the realisation that at some point, there may be other partners involved.

There is no judgment from me towards parents who separate; I am simply acknowledging that difficult conversations are happening in homes everywhere. Of course, there have been, are, and will be children who feel relief upon hearing that their parents are separating, as some homes are terribly sad due to the parents’ disconnected relationship. I do not align with the belief that ‘parents should live in misery together for the sake of the children.’ In many cases, the happiest path for everyone is the path of separation.

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When will you tell your son that you are non-monogamous?

Are you nervous to tell him?

Do the other parents judge you at school?

Are you worried about what he might think?

These are some of the questions that people ask me when I share that we are non-monogamous. People seem to believe that this may be a major life event for him. Although I cannot predict the future, I intuitively feel that it may not be a big deal.

As someone who has had many difficult conversations in my life, telling our son that we are non-monogamous, and have been since before he was born, does not actually fall into the ‘difficult conversations’ category for me.

I genuinely believe that there is a high possibility that he might be somewhat unfazed by this, as it is not information that changes his life, or our family. It is simply him gaining more (age-appropriate) context that the relationships he witnesses in his life may encompass more than what he had previously been aware of. If anything, I hope that sharing with him about our open marriage will be a good conversation starter for other, broader topics. I can’t imagine us telling him in a big ‘sit down, we are having THE TALK’ manner. We might just mention it when the moment feels right, and when he is at a suitable age to hear about it.

Telling our son that we are non-monogamous is simply sharing more existing information with him. It is very different from telling him that we are about to start opening up our marriage, or that we are about to have significant changes to our lives and that he will be impacted as a result. If we were sharing that things were about to change, I can imagine there being an instability that he could feel.

But there is no change to life circumstances in our case.

Many children who have monogamous parents can have have four parental figures in their lives, and with that comes different dynamics that a child may have to navigate, depending on how the adults handle these dynamics. I know many parents who co-parent together with ease, who even spend holidays together, sometimes with their new partners included. This is for the sake of the children and because the circumstances of their relationship (and breakup) make it possible for them to still be a family, even though it looks different from the common narrative of separation and divorce.

I also know parents who have barely any contact with their co-parent, and in these circumstances, this is the healthiest way forward for the child. Stable parents help to create a stable foundation for children, but there can never be a single definition of what ‘stability’ looks like as everyone functions under a different set of relational dynamics and circumstances. Some people simply cannot get along, and avoiding one another entirely is the most peaceful option for everyone.

I am sure that people may think I am naive to the possibility that our son may be bullied because of our open relationship. I am aware of this, and it is a conversation that we will have with him and be ready to address if it arises. Liam and I view this as a stepping stone to broader conversations. To me, the issue is the bullying, not the open relationship. What is more important to me is that Liam and I have strong lines of communication with him so that we can help him navigate the emotional and social intricacies of the personalities around him.

We are also conscious of his social circles and foster positive relationships with the parents of his friends, which is something that we will try our best to do into the future. Of course, our influence is something that he will lean in and out of as he grows up, and there will be a time in the future when his friends will have a stronger impact on his sense of self.

Instead of being in denial about this, we do our best to place him in environments where the parents of his friends hold similar values of kindness, and are actively involved and present in their children’s lives. We also value the importance of having open communication with the parents of his friends so that we can all support each other to support the children, in the best way that we can.

As far as parents judging me at school... to my knowledge, I don’t know if they do or don’t. I treat people with kindness and receive kindness in return. If people judge me, that is their business. I know that I have made people uncomfortable simply by being myself, but I believe that is more to do with them than me. Happy people do not sit around gossiping or slut-shaming others. That behaviour belongs to the disconnected, suppressed or repressed .

The world is a rapidly changing place, and it is my hope and belief that the concept of a non-monogamous relationship will be more socially accepted and understood in years to come. A lot of the current articles and representation of non-monogamy (that I have seen) in the media has helped to normalize the truth that there are many adults who are creating bespoke relationships that work for them.

Perhaps the difficult conversations that we need to have with our children are the ones around judgement and bullying of others?

When asked if I am worried that our child might be bullied for our relationship, my question in return is:

‘Do you think that your child would bully someone for their parent’s relationship? And if so, what would you do to support them to stop their bullying behaviour?’

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