Taking Off My Wedding Ring

Many years ago a lover, Nick, shared with me that he would love to take me to his Annual Work Ball.

I imagined the long dresses and fancy meals. The conversation across the table with his work colleagues. Would they know I was married? What would I share? I felt the taboo feed my excitement.

Then the guilt came rushing in…

I had never presented socially with a lover outside of my marriage before, and our non-monogamous experiences still felt ‘open’ as opposed to polyamorous. At this point, going to an event with someone else felt outside the invisible lines of what open marriage meant to us. Still, I was intrigued, unable to deny my interest and desire to go to a ball with another man. I was also unable to deny the hypocrisy of my desires. I knew that if Liam asked to attend a ball with another woman, I would never feel comfortable.

The difficulties of non-monogamy exist in the details. Even though these ‘difficulties’ have relaxed for me over the years, I witness and feel them, aware of the double standards that I experience within my marriage when they eventuate.

These double standards and my inability to reconcile these emotions irritate me. Of course my logical mind understands that healthy non-monogamy is about equity not equality, but this logic doesn’t eradicate my own disappointment in my hypocrisy.

My connection with Nick had shifted and morphed over the years. It grew from a casual and non-monogamous place, and was then placed on pause when he entered a monogamous commitment. Even within this pause, we stayed kind, and occassionaly connected through friendly texts.

There was never a ‘breakup’, just him sharing with me that he was going to give monogamy a chance with his other partner. Despite my dissapointment, my response was purely one of understanding and grace. It was not a reflection of the connection that we shared.

Then after years of our paused romantic connection… my lover reignited the flame that had been dormant. Life had shifted and he was single again.

It was not long before Nick posed the question once again to me… “Will you come with me to my ball?”