We Must Be Critical of Non-Monogamy

Photo taken by my husband, Liam (2024)

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We must be open to criticising non-monogamy.

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This morning, as I was scrolling instagram, I saw someone sharing their thoughts on the possible benefits of having non-monogamous parents.

The sentiment went something like this- ‘If mum and dad need a break, mum’s boyfriend can step in and spend time with the child, this way- everyone wins. Parenting takes a village.’

I felt uncomfortable as I watched the video of this person, who doesn’t have children, share this perspective.

When we casually throw around phrases that advocate for more adults to look over children, so that the parents can have ‘a break’, we can normalise situations where safety could take a backseat on the priorities list.

For every argument in favour of non-monogamy, there is a flip side argument against it.

One of the common ‘benefits’ of polyamory lives in the highly pedestaled phrase - ‘it takes a village.’ Especially in relation to the family unit, and children.

Parenting can be a controversial topic. People can feel defensive that their way is the right way. It is not up to me to judge how others parent. We live in a world of different cultures and upbringings and I have the belief that ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ can be incredibly subjective. But for me and my family, having other partners of mine be heavily involved with our child does not feel right, and certainly not in a way that would have them looking after our son.

For some, the thought of calling upon ‘the village’ is a utopian ideal. But for me, and many other parents, this type of partner involvement has absolutely no appeal whatsoever. It is one of the reasons why I choose to share my parenting perspective, which is to break the narrative that people who are non-monogamous are lacking in boundaries (a common misconception) with their personal lives and for their children.

Everytime I give an interview of the experience of being a non-monogamous parent who values safety, I make a point of saying that our child is never in the care of other partners.

He is our child, and is only ever in the one-on-one care of his parents, his grandmothers or his female school teachers. He knows who his ‘safe people’ are, and any other male lover, or partner of mine, will never be on that list. Our boundaries are firm, not because we have ‘trust’ or ‘control’ paranoias, but because we are not blind to the realities of the world and the highly concerning statistics.

People are multi-faceted beings. And whilst that can be a beautiful positive, there can also be a frightening side to that truth.

The truth is that New Relationship Energy, a crush, or an infatuation can be clouding factors when it comes to our judgement. We see what we want to see in people, and we see only the versions that they show us. We see only what we know to be true and what we are aware of in the world. People are more dense and complex that we might ever truly understand.

Many live in a world of naivety and trust, and whilst I understand that sometimes ‘ignorance is bliss’, when it comes to the safety of our children, not being naive is our responsibility. Having our eyes wide open to what could be, is crucial.

“But he is my boyfriend? And I feel like I really know him.”

New Relationship Energy is exciting and full of beating life force. It can also be shockingly blinding. This goes for whether someone is non-monogamous or not. When we meet someone new, we see only their best selves. There is nothing wrong with this very normal, natural part of courting, but I truly believe that when it comes to new partners and children, not rushing to ‘create the village’ or ‘build family’ too soon is a safe option.

Liam and I have never had to navigate our child’s relationship with one of our lovers as we would never encourage a bond to form between them. I also will admit that I have a gendered double standard with how I feel about this. The reality is that if I ever needed to call on a friend to look after our son, I would always reach out to a female friend of ours, or a partner of Liam’s who is also my friend.

I would never, under any circumstances leave him alone with a man, or have him be in a situation where there is a possibility that he might be alone with a man. This isn’t because I don’t trust men, it is because I watch the statistics and am aware of how rampant and widespread this issue is.

Liam and I are the very first barrier to anything going wrong, and as much as I am an advocate for body safety education for children, I make sure to not put my child in a situation where he would have bring that education into practice. We are the gatekeepers of who gets access to him.

No risks are taken. There is no ‘village’ of male partners of mine that would ever have one on one access to him.

One of the reasons why I baulk at the relationship escalator is because I often see newly single, (often monogamous) mothers, move into new relationships with men, trying to recreate the family unit with someone who they are in throws of infatuation with. Of course there are safe and loving step-fathers who are genuinely wonderful and sincere. But I believe that when it comes to who does and doesn’t have access to our kids, we should not rush a relationship to build the village, or new family unit.

A friend once told me that red flags look beige when we are wearing rose coloured glasses. So when it comes to children, take off the glasses, and see things through the lens of safety. Be safe. Have boundaries. Learn about grooming. Know that grooming starts with the parents.

Safe people respect your boundaries. Safe people don’t position themselves to potentially be alone with your children.

Liam and I hold our son’s childhood in the palm of our hand, and his childhood does not get passed to anyone outside his circle of safe adults. They are our highly considered and conscious village.

There are no romantic feelings in the mix when it comes to my child’s safety.

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