Pretty Privilege
A Question From You
When I was eighteen years old, one of my university lecturers was trying to have an affair with me.
He was in his late forties, married, and would stop me whenever we walked by one another. One evening he sent me emails under the cover of darkness asking me if I could meet him at a hotel.
These advances had not been encouraged or welcomed.
When I didn’t reciprocate his advances… the stonewalling began.
Every now and then I ask the Evolving Love audience to throw me anonymous questions for the podcast. There are always questions around jealousy, compersion and logistics, but sometimes I get asked something a little different. After school drop off this morning, I sat down to read what questions were submitted to me overnight.
One question in particular jumped out at me.
This is a great question. ‘Pretty privilege’ is a very real thing.
First of all, I am a firm believer in the old cliche, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”.
Yet, I would be lying if I said that my physical body didn’t play a part in how I am able to connect with people and how they might want to connect with me. This can be both positive and negative.
Of course there are pros and cons to being ‘conventionally attractive’ whether you are non-monogamous or not.
There are many different scenes and attitudes in the non-monogamous space. There are certain spaces and parties where a woman has to be under a certain weight to be allowed in. Would I be able to enter into those spaces? Yes. Would I want to enter into them?
No.
Looking a certain way can give us access to certain spaces and people. But are these the spaces where you want to be? It depends on what you value. There are people who are conventionally attractive but lack vibrancy and energy. There are people who would not be deemed ‘conventionally attractive’ who I find incredibly sexy.
I cannot deny that my experiences would be different if I had been born into a different body, in the same way that they would be different if I had been born into a different family. Would I still be ‘me’ if I had been born into a hyper religious family?
Journalists and media have gravitated to Liam and I for how we speak on the topics of non-monogamy and I am not naive that part of the appeal to media is related to how we look. I have read articles about me online where the first paragraph is a description on my physical appearance.
I am aware of this.
I know that I am privileged in different ways, but instead of feeling shame for it, I am choosing to accept it, and use the opportunity to lift up the conversation around relationship styles.
Through the podcast I am lucky enough to be able to platform voices around me, and share different perspectives of relationships and love.
It is hard to know what success can be attributed to looks, but all I can do is continue to use the platform to explore topics of love and relationships with nuance, kindness and generosity.
Puberty hit me early.
I was one of the first girls in my year at school to grow breasts and hips. With this came attention from others. One evening when I was going for a walk with my dad, he shared with me about the ‘energy’ that might come towards me as I turn into a woman.
“Boys and men will be attracted to you. But you need to be aware that just because THEY are attracted to you, doesn’t mean that YOU are attracted to them. Sometimes the ‘feel good’ feelings are actually from the attention that they are giving you. Remember this doesn’t mean that you genuinely like them back.”
After I had rebuffed my university lecturer I felt like I had done something terribly wrong. My disappointment was compounded by the fact that I had done nothing other than just be a student like everyone else. He didn’t know me other than who I was in his classes. He only ‘knew me’ from a physical perspective. In this case, I would say that my physical body was working against me. I soon lost my voice and confidence in class, unable to speak up, or contribute in any real way to class discussions. I felt awkward. His sudden cold shoulder felt sickening.
There were moments during that time where I imagined what it would have been like if I had slept with him? Would I be acknowledged in class? I envied the other female students who felt comfortable to engage in robust discussions in the class, not having to worry about having him creep into their emails in the dead of the night.
They were seen for their intellect. I felt stupid, sexualised and subsequently ignored. I no longer had anything to contribute to the class other than my attendance.
As with nearly every woman that I have spoken to, I have experienced countless other moments that live as emotional companions to this one.
It might seem whiny to share about the negatives of being ‘conventionally attractive’ but I don’t mean it to be so. There are multiple sides to a person’s experience. Things are not always ‘good’ or ‘bad’. They just are. They can ebb and flow, mirroring and correlated to the circumstances and people involved.
We know that ‘attractive people’ get boosted on the dating apps. That being ‘attractive’ can mean having access to more dates and people. ‘Hot people’ can have a gravitational pull, whether it is earned or not. But I cannot help but circle back to my inner belief and knowing that attraction is about so much more than the physical.
I know that I am more than the body that I have found myself in, and I want to be seen for the other qualities that I have.
The reality is that we are all ageing and changing. The physical appearance that we might feel attached to will change. No person is able to escape the conveyer belt of time that eventually shoots us back out into the cosmos. There are no number of vitamin IV drips or botox sessions that will ultimately prevent this reality.
Time is coming for us all.
I am going to continue to write, share, podcast and love, and if people say that things are only going well because I am ‘conventionally attractive’, then that is fine. I just keep on going anyway.
People use their privileges in different ways, and I use mine to help spread the message that love and relationships can be more expansive than the monogamous script has us believe.
Photo taken by my husband, Liam (October, 2024)
This is so genuine and honest, Abby. I love it. So well written! And no... it does not sound whiny at all. ❤️