I love this...I think it’s so important to discover what we’re wanting and needing with non-monogamy, and to be able to clearly define & express that, rather than trying to fit into what we think we should be doing (or even what others want from us).
I feel this. As someone who identifies as “solo-poly”, I have struggled at times with dating other poly people who wanted someone to be their “primary” partner, but have found it much easier and smoother dating other solo-poly people or people who already have another deeply connected relationship.
In my experience, a lot of people want to talk about “hierarchical vs non-hierarchical” structures of poly as if they’re black and white, but I feel like there’s a lot of room for a spectrum between those.
There’s a difference to me between ‘hierarchy’ and ‘priority’.
I wouldn’t personally use terms like ‘primary’ or ‘secondary’ (though I have no issue being called the latter if that’s the reality and I’m okay with it), but I do think it’s kind of silly not to ‘prioritise’ certain relationships in certain contexts.
Otherwise you risk always moving from one shiny NRE experience to the next with a series of hurt people in your rear view mirror.
Thanks so much for leaving such a thoughtful comment here. I resonate completely with what you have shared here, especially with the labels. I have never called anyone my secondary partner as I also do not like language that appears to rank people, but I personally do not mind if someone prefers to call me a secondary if that makes sense to them. Thanks again for sharing so thoughtfully to my writing. x
I really appreciate the way you present the reality for many of us that we have a central/anchor/primary relationship that frankly has to come first from time to time.
I love this...I think it’s so important to discover what we’re wanting and needing with non-monogamy, and to be able to clearly define & express that, rather than trying to fit into what we think we should be doing (or even what others want from us).
Thank you. The point of non-monogamy (to me) is not to jump from one set of rules to another. It is about carving a new way, all together.
I feel this. As someone who identifies as “solo-poly”, I have struggled at times with dating other poly people who wanted someone to be their “primary” partner, but have found it much easier and smoother dating other solo-poly people or people who already have another deeply connected relationship.
In my experience, a lot of people want to talk about “hierarchical vs non-hierarchical” structures of poly as if they’re black and white, but I feel like there’s a lot of room for a spectrum between those.
There’s a difference to me between ‘hierarchy’ and ‘priority’.
I wouldn’t personally use terms like ‘primary’ or ‘secondary’ (though I have no issue being called the latter if that’s the reality and I’m okay with it), but I do think it’s kind of silly not to ‘prioritise’ certain relationships in certain contexts.
Otherwise you risk always moving from one shiny NRE experience to the next with a series of hurt people in your rear view mirror.
Hey Jai,
Thanks so much for leaving such a thoughtful comment here. I resonate completely with what you have shared here, especially with the labels. I have never called anyone my secondary partner as I also do not like language that appears to rank people, but I personally do not mind if someone prefers to call me a secondary if that makes sense to them. Thanks again for sharing so thoughtfully to my writing. x
I really appreciate the way you present the reality for many of us that we have a central/anchor/primary relationship that frankly has to come first from time to time.