Complex Freedoms
Non-monogamy cannot help but shine a light on the complexities of being human.
Conflicting emotions co-exist. Jealousy simmers whilst compersion deepens in the very same breath.
To be non-monogamous is to hold space for an array of internal experiences that simply would not present if a person was monogamous. Binary thinking is challenged, and then the reality of living a nuanced life is unavoidable.
Through a simple lens, complexity could be perceived as ‘bad’. But for me, it is the colour of my humanity. Complexity to me means layered, unexpected, unusual. Perhaps it is a puzzle that needs solving, or a puzzle that is content to never be finished. And in the landscape of relationships, it is the quirky opportunities that pull thoughts and emotions from me that might not have otherwise come to light. It is the never ending experience of being asked questions from an array of experiences.
Why is it that I can become avoidant with some people and not others?
Why do I feel deep compersion for my husbands lovers who are different from me, yet feel challenged when I perceive them to be too similar?
Why do I love it when my husband meets my lovers, yet feel deeply uncomfortable when my lovers cross paths with one another?
Why are peaceful non-monogamous parents judged heavily by society whilst feuding, repartnered, divorced parents not only the norm, but are the expected?
Why do some friendships drop off the planet once they enter into a monogamous relationship? Is the very existence of me being non-monogamous a threat to their relationship?
What is my biggest fear with being open? What is my biggest joy?
Will we still be ‘open’ when we are much older?
Not all questions are answered, nor do they need to be. Some answers shift depending on maturity or emotional capacity. But for me, it is never about the answer. It is the unfolding thought process that my mind can hold. For some, this may all seem like too much, or a distraction from family life, or parenting. Yet in my case, I feel that my desire to always be curious about these strange questions help weave the particles into what makes me, me. To be monogamous, or to be in a relationship where I couldn’t ask myself or my partner any question, at any time, is the ultimate silencing of who I am.
When people open up their relationships or begin to explore non-monogamy, they are blown away by the joys, insecurities or deep questioning that comes to the surface. Questions that had always existed deep within, yet never had the opportunity to come forth. If my own very own human curiosities were trapped only within my subconscious, I can only picture them rotting and breeding resentment.
It is this that is the goalpost of a meaningful relationship. Are questions able to be asked of oneself and of one another. Can we ask non-monogamous questions within a monogamous marriage simply to hear what answers or processes come up? When a monogamous relationship is able to hold the depth of challenging questions that non-monogamy inherently queries, that to me is the sign of a deeply connective monogamous relationship. For whilst it can be about the physical, it is the nurturing of the emotional and spiritual being through curiosity and growth that champions the soul.
To get to a place where the uncomfortable questions are met with light and curiosity, no matter how conventionally awkward they might be, is the freedom of mind that I am forever endlessly grateful for.
Dive Deeper
Desperate Housewives
I closed our apartment door and stepped out into the corridor, realising that I hadn’t felt nervous until that point. The dance of getting ready whilst tending to our baby, nursing him at the very last moment before I left so that I had as much time as possible.
Just beautiful, Abbey. Complex questions, all worth pondering on and sharing with our loves <3
Abbey, this is beautiful and speaks to my soul. Yes, give me the complexity, the questions, every relational experience that I as a human could be privilieged enough to experience.