Triggered
Exploring Curious Consent
A few weeks ago I put out an anonymous Q&A on my instagram stories and one of the questions that came back to me was on consent when initially exploring non-Monogamous relationship dynamics.
“Is it ok to have ‘curious consent’ instead of ‘enthusiastic consent’ when it comes to exploring new non-Monogamous dynamics? Or should we only ever engage in any activity that we feel enthusiastic about?”
I cannot speak for other people, but I am happy to share my perspectives from my own lived experiences on this in regards to my own non-Monogamous relationship dynamics.
If I had been waiting to feel wildly enthusiastic to explore new non-Monogamous dynamics, Liam and I might still be monogamous to this day. How could I feel truly enthusiastic for something that I was yet to experience? ‘Curious’ is a more fitting descriptor of the realm in which my consent often lives. Consenting to explore with curiosity has felt safe and realistic. Enthusiasm often comes later, after my body and emotional processing of the situation has unfolded.
The trick for us has been to safely explore new dynamics with people who understand that consent is actively breathing. Consent can shift, expand and be removed in any moment, no matter how enthusiastically it was initially felt and given. For us, connecting with partners where there is trust from everyone to curiously explore is key.
Having partners who we can trust to communicate a change in their consent is paramount. Whether it be in a sexual, emotional or relational sense.
Throughout our ten years of exploring non-Monogamy, there have been situations where I have been curious about and have explored without having the knowledge as to how it would emotionally land on me. The reality with this is that I am in a space within myself where I am at peace with stepping out onto a path where I cannot always see around the emotional bend.
Perhaps most people might not feel comfortable with this, and that is ok. But the reality is that I am a non-Monogamous person, which in part means that I am not afraid of the unknown, I actively welcome it into my life…within reason. I am not afraid to be uncomfortable. I am an adventurer in intimacy, life and love. I am actively discovering what I am enthusiastic about, as I step out into the world.
I am also at peace with the reality that sometimes an experience, a connection or a dynamic does not leave me feeling ‘enthusiastic’. This is life. Now, I am not talking about unsafe and deliberate boundary breaking situations or deliberate consent violations. I am talking about allowing myself to retrospectively reflect on situations and choose differently for next time. All the whilst, choosing to release negative feelings so as not to subconsciously rewrite how I chose to consent or hold my boundaries. Allowing myself the ability to try being in new situations with the reality that moving forward, I might adjust or make changes dependent on how that experience was for me.
I am a grown woman who can comfortably take on the responsibility of trying new things that I might not necessarily opt for again in the future. I can recognise that if I push my own boundaries too far that there is no need to blame another for my own feelings of discomfort that might arise from a newfound boundary that I hadn’t previously been aware of.
Sometimes we don’t know what we are into until we try it.
To be open to giving things a go with the knoweledge that it is ok to try something new with the freedom to say, ‘actually, that wasn’t really for me’ is probably a fairly realistic outlook to have when exploring non-Monogamy.
To be open to new situations or dynamics and to take the time to process where a boundary is, or what we could communicate differently for next time is part of the path.
I am not being an apologist for people who deliberately break people’s boundaries or show a lack of care and consideration for those who they are with. I am merely saying that non-Monogamy moves along a ground which has us learning and recognising and meeting new emotional comfort zones and boundaries in ways that we cannot always anticipate.
The conversation of curious consent in non-Monogamy is an important one, especially when we are approaching dynamics or situations from a place of compersion. We may feel enthusiastically compersive in the safety of our fantasies but when it comes to making those fantasies a reality, are we allowed to explore with curiosity? Can we be tenderly open to giving new situations a go?
For me, the answer is yes. For you, perhaps it isn’t so, and that is ok. Everyone comes to this with different experiences and histories, and this can be uniquely tricky.
Liam and I are open to exploration.
Exploring new dynamics, fantasies, fetishes, kinks and play. Leaning into more excitement than fear. But that is us. Feeling comfortable that not every part of our non-Monogamous journey will be ‘amazing’ feels realistic. That in itself also doesn’t feel like a negative, as it is an opportunity to explore the discomfort further. And not in a way that has us spiritually bypassing or gaslighting ourselves into ‘going deeper into the discomfort until we find our enthusiasm’. But simply in a way to better understand ourselves, our relationship and our personal and relational boundaries. Learning as we go is part of the process.
I have previously been in situations where I have been in a safe connection with others but I have stretched my own boundaries too far. Discomfort can come from this, but understanding the difference between someone else breaking my boundary and me breaking my own boundary is crucial.
Not looking to blame others for the discomfort felt when hitting a boundary is part of the practice of being personally responsible for myself and my part in this. Although we do our best, people are not mind readers, and even when verbal consent is given, our bodies can reject an intellectual decision, especially when we are exploring new things for the very first time.
Liam and I have had times when boundaries have been unknowingly crossed, but we are kind to one another and ourselves.
We understand that we don’t always have the answer or awareness of a boundary until we have met it. This doesn’t frighten us and we don’t punish one another for ‘breaking boundaries’ that we were previously unaware of ourselves. The trust goes multiple ways for this to work. I trust that if I break a boundary of Liam’s that he still holds me with love and that he won’t demonise me.
There has to be space for mistakes when exploring non-Monogamy.
If you do not have the space to make mistakes, or potentially trigger one another, or overstep, then non-Monogamy might not be the path for you.
I know this sounds like it can be complicated, but for us, it doesn’t feel that hard. We know one another and our intentions. We resolve things with peace and discussion. We aren’t afraid of the reality that we are learning as we go and that we might stumble along the way. It would feel unrealistic and mechanical to not have space for human error.
Intention is paramount with this. I know that Liam would never intentionally overstep my boundaries for his own pleasure as I would never intentionally overstep his, or anyone else’s. But the reality is that we are moving into uncharted terrain by being non-Monogamous, and no matter how many rules or boundaries you might put in place- unexpected things will arise and it might be naive to think that won’t be the case.
Looking back throughout our non-Monogamous journey, there is so much pleasure, compersion, growth and excitement that I would have missed out on if I hadn’t allowed myself to tenderly follow a curiosity that felt risky.
In a society where many people are increasingly avoiding triggers and discomfort at all costs, I choose to embrace the possibility that a little discomfort is part of the experience of being a non-Monogamous person.
Photo of me taken by my husband