'Til Peri Doth Arrive
Perimenopause and Relationships
In a few months I turn 38, or ‘pushing 40’ as my mother said to me recently.
This isn’t an insult to me, it is truth. Ageing is not frightening to me. When my brown hair began to turn grey at the age of sixteen, I started to foil it blonde to make the regrowth less noticeable. During Covid, in 2020, I stopped colouring my hair altogether, allowing for my silver strands to grow free and become part of my look. But alongside these surface level signs of ageing, there are real shifts happening deep within us all.
Whilst I am not yet in perimenopause, I am aware that it will be knocking on my door soon. I don’t have any major physiological symptoms, but I can already feel subtle changes within my emotional myself. People pleasing is dropping. Intuition seems to be sharpening, accompanied by periods of brain fog. Any self conscious defaults that I have had, seem to be slipping further away. I feel like I am deepening into myself whilst also not feeling quite like myself anymore. Symptoms of change are slowly emerging.
As someone who writes about relationships through the lens of non-monogamy, what do these hormonal changes have to do with relationships or non-monogamy? To me, they have everything to do with almost every aspect of my life- especially my marriage and relationships.
In my experience, the biggest element that weighs in on, and impacts my marriage isn’t non-monogamy, or jealousy, or shared parenthood. It has always been my hormones and the veil that they cast over my ever shifting perspective. How something lands on me one week, could land on me very differently the week after. The intersection of relationships and hormonal health is an ever evolving dance.
When people make vows to one another, promising to stand together through the ‘good times and bad’, what does that actually mean? I always wonder what comes to mind for people? When young couples marry in their twenties, do they have any awareness as to the real changes that can happen throughout the course of their marriage?
Many women have limited understanding of perimenopause until they find themselves blindly wading deeper into new hormonal waters without proper support or understanding.
All of a sudden they feel off, depressed, disconnected, and with a need to overhaul their entire life. Sometimes the overhaul is needed, but I often wonder if at other times it might be from complete internal overwhelm.
A few months ago I found myself in conversation with a man who was shocked to hear that Liam and I plan our life, to the best of our ability, around my hormonal cycle. “But you can’t plan your life around your feelings?” He said, genuinely confused by the impracticality of our choice. Of course we cannot plan our entire life around my cycle, but we do what we can, and for us, it makes the world of difference. Being aware of energy levels, social capacity, need for quiet time with no unnecessary opportunities for conflict or distress makes our relationship a more peaceful experience.
When we were in the wedding season during our twenties, and the Calendar was filled with weddings, there was always talk of rings and venues and romance and proposals. Nobody ever brought up perimenopause, or what to do if one person feels tempted to have an affair. Everything was always focussed on the romance, the love story, the parade of it all. Yet, years later, and perhaps right on schedule, many marriages begin to crumble.
Is it ‘til death do us part’, or ‘til peri doth arrive’ ?
For Liam and I, my hormones are not my issue. They are ‘our’ issue. It has always been Liam and I, with my hormones being an external factor that we both have to work with. Because to us, that is what sharing a life together means. Being in it together. As someone who suffers from PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), we do not blindly wade into post ovulation oestrogen drop. We sculpt our life to be slightly softer.
One of the many things that I love about my husband is in the way that he whole heartedly shows up for me, by showing up for himself. It’s in the way that he is proactive with his interest in me as a person and as a woman. He is curious about my internal experience, and is aware of the differences that we have. Liam, of his own accord, has tracked my hormone cycle for the last 14 years so as to help us both, because him doing so helps the health of our relationship. Managing my hormones is not something that I have to cope with alone.
Last year Liam went to a talk on perimenopause so that HE could learn more about what was in store, for me and for us. He found out about it, and organised for himself to attend. In a room of 50-60 women, Liam was one of two men who attended.
When people express to me that they are interested in exploring non-monogamy, I am always interested in how invested they are in the bigger, unsexier aspects of their relationship and knowing one another. Yes there is growth in the sexual exploration, and a person can learn and expand and deepen in moments of excited curiosity, but only following pleasure ‘for growth’ can be like skipping dinner for dessert.
If a man wants to explore non-monogamy with his female partner but has no awareness of his partner’s hormones and the influence that they yield, it shows a lack of emotional intelligence. When viewing life, love and relationship as a living, breathing, cyclical, changing and deepening experience with knowledge of how hormones can sway and influence, then non-monogamy is something that can be held more safely within a relationship.
The difference between Liam and I exploring non-monogamy during my luteal phase and my follicular phase are wildly different. If we first opened up our relationship whilst I was luteal- we would still be monogamous to this day.
I am yet to be fully aware of what perimenopause has in store for me, but in the meantime Liam and I are doing all that we can to prepare and beware of the changes from an emotional and physiological viewpoint, together. Because to us- that’s what building a life with someone entails. Preparation without negative anticipation.
Choosing to not be naive and to look into the face of inevitable change is foundational to us, and the shared path of life that we are walking deeper into - together.
It's so wonderful that you two are preparing and informing yourselves for the storms of hormonal change. I love this - and wish that my partners and I had been forearmed like this. It's a new level of conscious relating! x