Thou Shalt Not Prioritize
Daring to Be Different in Non-Monogamy
When I share about my own perspectives on Evolving Love, I write not to appease the masses, or the polyamorous rule-makers. My non-monogamous identity will not dance to the beat of another’s drum...even if the rhythms are deafening.
Over the years we have had people step back from friendship with us after hearing that we are non-monogamous. Some have come back and expressed that the pause in friendship was necessitated by their own internal discomforts and fears that arose from hearing about our approach to marriage. They shared that they had felt protective of monogamy, so much so that it was too painful to reconcile a friendship and this newfound knowledge of our relationship.
Learning about a non-monogamous relationship can cause a disruption, and not everyone wants to be disrupted. Listening to your happily married friend excitedly say, ‘I love that my husband and I have the freedom to connect with others’, can lead a person to take stock of their own understanding of love and relationships. Before long, the internal questions begin to tick.
Perhaps I could also desire this type of freedom? But what if my partner desired something like this also? Surely not... But what if....
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When the thread is pulled, the unraveling can begin.
This is often the result of what can happen when we share our stories.
What might grow if we plant the tender and wild seeds of freedom & possibilities? In these moments of new and difficult conversations, the inevitable question can arise- ‘if we were to also open up, would we still be us’? Is the openness to the freedom worth the possibility of straining the emotional familiarity and stable security of monogamy?
There is no straight or clear answer to this. There is no answer to the question of how to find the balance of freedom in one hand and security in the other. Is it possible to truly have both?
I know that I cannot have the freedom without the deep security and love that our relationship gives to us both. Deep relational attachment, joy and happiness need to be in existence for our relationship to prosper. The familiar, stable, security that monogamy promises, needs to be there for me too. I value all that non-monogamy has to offer. I also value the essence and coupledom of monogamy. I thrive being in a loving pair bond with my husband. One can be in a pair bond and also be non-monogamous.
Whilst many non-monogamous people can strive for full autonomy and turn their backs on any form of dependence, I turn towards it. I love that my husband is my ride or die and my best friend *gasp* (forgive me egalitarian polyamorists, for I have sinned!) But the truth is that he is and I am not going to deny it. He has been my best friend and lover for twelve years, and as time moves by, I only feel this more so.
The non-monogamous person in me feels momentarily awkward for expressing this, as if I am somehow letting down the entire non-monogamous community for saying so. Confessing to have a favourite person can feel illegal in the company of some non-monogamists.
Thou shalt not compare!
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Online gatekeepers of polyamorous ethics are increasingly mirroring the leaders of religious fundamentalist groups.
Whilst sharing the many positives of non-monogamy, I am conscious of not swapping out one set of rules or ideals for another. Often when I peer deeper into the gatekeeper’s pasts, they were themselves deeply religious in a past chapter of their lives.
Some people truly cannot carve their own path without a strong framework or ‘code of ethics’ to follow. The habits are that of blind following. A book. A how to. An opportunity to fly their polyamorous flag the highest and to cast shame and judgement onto those who are not puritanical enough. Where does the consent and nuance lay in blanket rules?
Active desire and consent is living and fluid.
Perhaps I am too non-monogamous to fit in with the monogamous crowds and too monogamous to fit in with the polyamorists. Instead, I carve my own path, turning away from the labels that try to put me in a box. I chose the name ‘Evolving Love Project’ for my writing on this matter as it felt truly authentic and has natural room to move within it. The name Evolving Love Project is reflective of the message that I am sharing.
The evolution of my love flows like a tributary. It flows open and closed. Monogamous to non-monogamous and back again... and then open again.
In a world where everyone seems to be grasping onto identities for dear life, I know that it can also become unhealthy to preach a message until it becomes an entire identity. As much as I love documentaries on cults, I actively refuse to become a cult thinker in the polyamory space.
Like fundamentalist Christians preaching blanket rules to their congregations, these polyamorous teachers have begun to evangelize.
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The moment we cling ourselves to an identity is when we can stop listening to ourselves and our loved ones, the flag flying for the cause and the pride within us can come before individual hearts and needs. We do not need to cling onto our polyamory or monogamy for dear life.
Moving towards what feels right for everyone involved, is a simple, clear way that we choose to approach our marriage and lovers. How could there possibly be one, stagnant way to approach this? If my husband and I ever decided to change gears and turn full circle towards monogamy again, I would embrace and welcome this new evolving relationship turn, if that is what felt right for us both. Would some people be disappointed along the way? Perhaps. And that is ok. I turned away from people pleasing sometime back.
I have been happy being non-monogamous for ten years and do not currently hear a change calling my name. Yet, if the change calls me from within, I am in a state of openness to listen.
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Photos taken of me by my husband in our garden (2023)
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