The River
I could feel the goosebumps spreading across my body as I slowly stepped deeper into the river. It was golden hour, and the sun shimmered off the water as it glowed through the trees in the gorge. I looked back towards to our son as he carved a moat around the castle that he had made with sand, sticks and rocks.
“Look, mummy- the water goes all the way around!” He exclaimed with pride as the river water circled his carefully constructed pile of sticks and rocks.
“Wow, that is a great moat!” I replied, as we exchanged big smiles.
The water was feeling colder now as it hit my breasts, drenching the sheer top that I was wearing. The chill of the water, whilst uncomfortable, didn’t discourage me stepping further in.
“That’s deep enough, you can turn around now.” This time it was the calm voice of my husband as he stood back on the river’s edge with his camera in hand.
“Should I let my hair out?”
“Yes. Actually, no. Keep it up.”
His answer surprised me. Liam loves my hair when it is out. Nearly every photo that he has taken of me has my hair let free.
Over the many years of shooting together, my long hair has often come in handy for our nude photo shoots. My locks usually flow down across my chest, covering my breasts so as to make the photo more ‘appropriate’ for instagram or substack.
But this wasn’t a nude shoot. The sheer top somehow brought an element of protection, an attempt to cover my naked, wet body.
I looked down at my breasts through the top which was now completely saturated.
Liam was now moving closer to me, stepping into the water to capture me as I caressed the rippling surface. I moved my body, like a dancer in slow motion, running my fingertips across the water, and down the sides of my body unable to stop myself from giving Liam a knowing smile when our eyes would meet.
Liam doesn’t tell me how to pose, we both know what we are creating together. I can tell by the look on his face or the subtle sounds that he makes that I should do much of the same, or slow my movements down.
“I will never get tired of taking your photo.”
I smile, feeling the sincerity in his statement.
The flickers of golden hour dance their last shimmers across the water as I now notice that my body is no longer covered in goosebumps. The warm January air supports me.
“Look!” My son squeals as a curious duck visits his castle. Liam and I giggle at his expressive and joyful statement. Every small moment is worthy of a story through his childhood wonder. I get a pang of familiar bittersweet love of knowing that this is it… these are the moments. This is what is most precious, above everything else. What a gift to be at the centre of our son’s world during these years.
I step towards the shore, as Liam still moves around me. Taking my photo.
Whilst some of our photos are heavily planned, most are opportunities, seized in quick spontaneous moments that weave through our simple, day to day activities.
Much of my writing inspiration is born from the creativity of the photos that Liam captures of me. The storytelling that comes through Evolving Love is an extension of our shared flow state that we both cultivate together.
I see myself in new ways through his lens. I see expressions that remind me of moments of pleasure, anticipation or pain. It is often a glimpse in my face that allows me to see something that is going on beneath my surface, or a reminder of what moved through my mind in that exact moment.
With my wet feet stepping onto the shore, I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for all that I have in my life. To be with my husband and our son, together on a warm summer’s evening is the joy of my life. It is simple, but to me, it is everything.
To be fully in my motherhood whilst also taking a moment to step into my sensual self is a reminder that my being is not compartmentalised. Having different aspects of the self does not mean that my inner world cannot wrap and overlap within my being. I am always me. With different aspects of myself rising to the surface dependent on my environment and how safe and comfortable I feel.
As I looked out the window on the drive home from the river, I thought of the conversations that Liam and I would have with our son one day, about how we all have different aspects of ourselves, and that having these aspects of us that are not shown to him, in no way diminish who we are as parents or people. We will show him that how having feelings for someone else does not shake the love and commitment that Liam and I hold for our marriage and family.
It is the reality of holding many truths, knowing that for now the most important story is that of the duck exploring the moat.
Beautiful, relatable, absolutely lovely and heart forward piece. Thank you, Abbey. ❤️