The Price of Opening Up

Photo of me by my husband Liam (August 2025)

I have always loved the show Grand Designs. The program follows people—usually couples—as they embark on ambitious, sometimes delusional builds. Every couple has different goals for their homes: aesthetics, sustainability, low cost, or sheer extravagance.

The episode I watched last week featured a couple building a home on an incredibly restrictive budget and timeframe. They also had a toddler and another baby on the way. Before long, I was emotionally invested in their journey, wanting it to work out for them and their growing family, while at the same time becoming increasingly skeptical of their project. If everything went to plan, they would just barely make it to the other side of the build without blowing their budget—or their sanity. It was tight.

It wasn’t long before unexpected problems began to surface, raising the stress for the couple as they juggled family life alongside building drama that seemed more trouble than it was worth. What began as a joyous experience of possibility quickly turned into an existence of anxiety—one they had voluntarily opted into.

As I watched their relationship crumble on screen under the pressure, I couldn’t help but wonder how different their experience might have been if they’d had more resources available to them. Many people say that building a home together is a deeply testing path for a couple, one that can even break a relationship.

Even though they are materially different, I believe the “success” of opening a previously monogamous relationship is similar to that of building a home together. While the success of a home build is heavily influenced by access to financial resources, the success of opening a monogamous relationship depends on the emotional resources and strong foundations a couple already has. Like a home build, there must be flexibility for the unforeseen hiccups and roadblocks that inevitably arise. There is also the very real possibility that opening up a relationship may not be the great success a couple hopes for.

Many people believe that Liam and I have chosen a path that risks our relationship. Yet for us, there were many building blocks that led us to being open. We also consciously chose to explore non-monogamy in a low-pressure way. We were never in a rush. We opened our relationship at a time in our lives when we could fully splurge on one of the most valuable resources humans have: time.

We opened our relationship before we were parents.

We opened up when we could stay up late, drinking glasses of wine while talking about our hopes and desires, followed by indulgent sleep-ins the next morning. We were well-rested. We were relaxed. We had the luxury of speaking openly and freely at any moment, without needing to be conscious of little ears listening in. Having the freedom to talk openly with one another for years, without holding back, helped us deeply understand what opening up meant—for us.

Too often I’ve seen people open their relationships in ways that seem rushed, driven by parenting logistics and practicalities. To me, this is like a rushed build—prone to cracks and mistakes. Moving full steam from monogamy into polyamory in a short time would feel like nailing wood planks into the dirt. Liam and I needed solid foundations.

Difficulties can arise in any big life change that people consciously choose to embark on. And like many things, we weigh up whether or not the unavoidable growing pains are worth the stretch. How do we bend without breaking?

Attempting to build a home beyond our budget while raising a young child is simply not worth the stress. The financial unknowns are too risky for us to take on. A build beyond our means could hijack our joy and replace it with anxiety that would leak directly into our family life. But does this mean all home builds are a terrible idea? Absolutely not. Those with financial abundance can enjoy the process of building, even with unexpected hiccups. Difficulties for them become miniature blips on the timeline of life, anecdotes to share with friends over dinner in their beautiful new home.

We are all working with what we have—financial or emotional.

People open their relationships at all stages of life. Some do so before becoming parents or during the busyness of raising children, or at other points in the timeline of their lives.

I am grateful that we opened when we did. I’m thankful that we went to the parties, the talks, the events, and dove deeply into non-monogamy before becoming parents. There was no part of me that longed for a life un-lived when I was embarking on motherhood. Motherhood was another chapter that I could fully focus on. Non-monogamy wasn’t about finding myself outside of mothering—it was already woven into my story. There was never a looming question mark of is this it? hovering above me as I moved through the repetitive, cuddle filled days with our young son. Non-monogamy was simply an aspect of myself that I could lean into, when it felt right. There was no rush or pressure. We weren’t forced to date separately prematurely due to parenting logistics. Simply knowing I could date if I wanted to never made me want to escape the precious moments of mothering that I value so dearly.

All of the communicating, talking, and understanding one another’s desires—as well as our firm belief in building one another up and cultivating compersion—made Liam and me deeply rich in the resources needed to expand into parenthood.

The luxury of holding hands and jumping into the abyss of the unknown is possible when you’ve built an impenetrable net to catch you. Life is more enjoyable when you have the resources to embark on the paths that call you. Being non-monogamous is not outside of our emotional budget. It isn’t a strain on our resources. We’ve got this. And as a result, many other parts of this human experience feel smoother to navigate.

What is “hard” for one couple can be an exciting, desire-filled adventure for another.

---

Dive Deeper