Tears On The Subway

Encountering New Relationship Energy

I was sitting on the subway and weeping. The crush for my new lover felt so powerful and the intensity felt too much.

The first time that I ever experienced New Relationship Energy with a new partner, I felt completely overwhelmed by the feelings that were rushing through me. I felt exhilarated, yet destabilised. Even though my husband was giving me the ‘all clear’ to experience everything that I was feeling, I still felt vulnerable.

As the excitement was flooding my being, the nervousness that was accompanying that rush was undeniable. Having feelings for another man felt as if I was going off script from my neat understandings of what I had allowed from myself within our non-monogamous journey.

Through the lens of a monogamous love story, feelings like this for another man would symbolise that my marriage was in danger.

But for me, this simply wasn’t true. I loved my husband Liam deeply.

With trembling fingers and tear-filled eyes, I messaged Liam, “I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s making me nervous. I love you. I love us. Is this, ok? Are we ok?”

He replied within moments. “Hey beautiful, everything is fine. I’ve got you. Just enjoy it. I am right by your side. I know this is wild but don’t worry, we are solid.”

I exhaled and looked around at the people on the train around me. I wondered if they could see the wild look that I must have had in my eyes. Would any of them think that I was immoral for getting myself into a situation where I was almost drowning in infatuation for someone who wasn’t my husband?

In that moment my eyes met with the eyes of a young Hasidic woman who was sitting across from me. We briefly smiled at one another as she bounced one of her four children on her lap. I wondered if she also had a secret desire that was just for her, and I wondered if I would still want to be in an open marriage if I were also a mother.

We were two women on the same train living in two different realities.

I felt my phone vibrate as I stepped off the train and onto the platform. My body warmed as the sweltering heat of summer filled the subway platform. Before I looked at my phone, I knew that this time, the message would be from him.

“I can’t stop thinking about you and I can’t stop thinking about last night.”

The dopamine flooded me as I read his message, again and again. This felt bigger than the ‘appropriate’ amount of rationed feelings that I had allocated for myself before we decided to embark on dating separately. Having another man consume this much of my mental space was not the plan. But there I was, grinning from ear to ear as I slowly made my way up the subway steps. People rushed by me, yet I was too consumed to notice.

As I stepped into the daylight, I wondered how I would feel if Liam ever felt this way for someone else. My stomach turned at the thought, but not from a place of compersion. It came from a place of anxiety, perhaps even fear. I felt uneasy and vulnerable again, confronted by the differences in what we both did and didn’t feel comfortable with. But I remembered that we had said that was ok. This was about moving at a pace that felt right for us both, taking into consideration that we do experience compersion, differently.

At that time, I wasn’t ready for Liam to date with the same freedoms that he offered me, and he was completely fine with that. We both felt compersion for one another, but my compersion showed up differently to his. Opening gradually, and at differing paces felt fluid for our relationship.

As I walked along our street, closing in our apartment, I could feel my pace quicken. I felt desperate to be back in Liam’s arms again. In my home. With my love. Safe. Familiar.

I flew into our apartment and flung myself into his arms with tears filling my eyes again.

“I love you. I love you so much. I also cannot stop thinking about him. What is happening?”

Liam laughed at me with a warm, endearing smile, “You are hot mess. Come here and kiss me.” He pulled me firmly against his body and I could feel my nerves settle as I looked up into his playful eyes. We kissed as I smiled with tears rolling down my cheeks, overwhelmed by the multitude of emotions.

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Photos taken of me by my husband in New York City (2016)

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