Taking Him For A Ride
Liam's Limits
My husband Liam makes space for me to have many freedoms, perhaps more than many other married women whom I know. Yet, there are specific freedoms and experiences that I would like to take, but choose not to, as doing so would cause him a great deal of discomfort. And after 13 years of us being together, he is still stagnant and immovable with his thoughts on these matters. Liam has a flexible mind, but when it comes to this, no amount of therapy or ‘inner work’ to change his mind is on the cards.
Liam has always been enthusiastically supportive of me spending time with my friends, birthing how I want, going away without him from time to time, following my dreams, breastfeeding for years AND YEARS, being intimate with others, writing and sharing about our love, wearing whatever I want, and many other similar expressions of independence that many husbands might not be comfortable with.
But he has his limits.
Liam is not comfortable with me participating in dangerous activities that could risk my life. And so, he does not support me to ride on a motorbike or go skydiving, or participate in activities where there is a threat to my life, to the point of me inadvertently forbidden to do so. If I were to ride on the back of a motorbike with someone, we would be in the emotional weeds together. If I am dating someone who rides a motorbike, I can sit on the bike, have photos taken of me on the bike, but that’s where it ends.
Over the years I have had people scoff and be shocked by this ‘rule’, as it runs in contradiction to our broader philosophies of freedom for one another. But as I look around, I see that there are compromises that take place in almost all relationships. Wanted experiences can often be shelfed to tend to the comforts of a partner, and for most couples, it is the experience of being with someone else that is mutually denied.
I am sure that if I wanted to, I could debate and ‘win’ my case with him. I could shame his discomfort by reframing his concern as being eerily patriarchal, oppressive and paternal. But the truth is that I have no interest in having that debate, for good reason.
Knowing that Liam would be greatly distressed, immediately erases any fun that I would have on the motorbike. There is nothing less fun to me than knowing that my husband was anxious and upset at home. This is not me being a disempowered, submissive wife, it is me choosing my husband and his emotional wellbeing which is undeniably more important to me than any short lived thrill from being on the back of the bike. There will be people who choose to put their own desires and needs before the wellbeing or comfortability of their partner, and whilst that is not for me to understand or judge, I know that it doesn’t work for me.
Being in a life partnership with a man who is deeply loving and supportive and encouraging of me in every aspect of my life, is something that I feel deeply grateful for. I don’t need to have every adrenaline fueled experience in my life, I don’t need to have it all. No skydiving? Cool. I would rather that than the distressing alternative for my husband. The emotional labour and time that would go into arguing my easily justifiable case to skydive or ride a bike, is beside the point. There is no argument to be ‘won’ here. To ‘win’ this argument would be to disregard my husband’s feelings for my own moments of pleasure. The undercurrent that flows beneath that ‘win’ would be far more damaging to us and the values that we hold dearly in our marriage.
My stance on this exists under the unique and broader circumstances of our relationship and the freedom, support and genuine encouragement that lives within it. If Liam was a man who forbade me to wear certain clothing or gaslight me with coercion and control leaving me to pander to his strict rules so as not to make him ‘uncomfortable’- our relationship would have folded years ago. Many people enforce strict rules on their partner, under the guise of their partner ‘breaking their boundary’.
But this request from Liam comes from a place love. He simply does not want to lose me.
When my husband shares that he is genuinely afraid of me doing something where I am putting my life at risk, I listen to his concern and then drop it.
I understand that there is a spectrum for how much we can, or should influence a person’s life due to our own comforts and needs. If Liam tried to make a rule for me to be home by 10pm sharp after being out for dinner with my friends, I would be horrified.
There are petty, insecure fears that can impact the choices or actions of a partner, and then there are the big ones that mostly come down to differing needs or incompatibilities. Ultimately, we all have a choice as to what we value more- a partner’s comfort and support, or the situation that we might want for ourselves. This is the dilemma that many people can face when one person wants to open a relationship and the other does not.
I have had countless conversations with many people who are torn with what to do. One person wants to be open while the other does not. Whilst both not wanting to risk losing their relationship. So who is the one who compromises? Is there a way through this? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. This dilemma and question of compatibility is equally as big as one partner wanting children whilst the other does not. It isn’t about control. Or being bad or good. Or right or wrong. It is a matter of figuring out which it is one wants more, and then owning that choice. Sometimes we have to weigh it up and accept that we don’t get every single thing that we might want- and that is ok. Do we need to have it all?
A person cannot enforce monogamy on their partner, but they can share with their partner what they value and need and then leave if compromise isn’t made. This isn’t coercion, it is a painful and common truth of life. It isn’t them not understanding a person’s need for freedom, it is an understanding that being non-monogamous is simply too hard and distressing on their nervous system, which is completely valid. The pain goes both ways as the other person forgoes a huge aspect of themselves to be monogamous for someone who they love. But this is also not them being forced to do so- it is them weighing up what is more important, their current relationship or their desire and need to be non-monogamous. There is no easy way, and resentment can grow no matter what path is chosen.
For me, the motorbike is such a small thing to forgo in exchange for my husband’s wellbeing, it is a no brainer. I feel a joy in holding Liam with a smile and guaranteeing him that while I may sleep with other people- I will never jump on the back of a bike with them. To which he smiles cheekily and says, ‘perfect’, in response.
We all have choices and we don’t always get everything that we might want. But as adults, it's on us to accept and own that, and see the joy in what we do have, no matter which choice we inevitably make.
Special thanks to our dear friend for lending us her bike!
Dive Deeper
When To Stretch
I looked into the eyes of my lover as our faces drew closer to kiss. His strong hands wrapped around my arched waist as he pulled me onto his lap.
Prop purposes only 🏍️❤️🔥
Another great read! This scenario plays out so often, as you mention not just in relation to non-monogomous situations but everything from big life decisions to more mundane things. I imagine that even if you got on the back of a bike, knowing that Liam was at home not enthusiastic about the situation, it would probably take a lot of the fun and excitement out of it.