She Needs To Settle Down

Photo taken of me by my husband, Liam (2024)

A recurring comment that has appeared in the online discussions about me is: ‘She needs to settle down and focus on her family.’

From my perspective, being non-monogamous is, in fact, part of prioritising my family in a broader, holistic way. Behaviour that might commonly test or break a monogamous couple is often not something that presents as an issue to Liam and me. ‘Micro cheating’ is a foreign concept to me, as our north star for how we are to behave with others is that we do not behave in a way that would upset one another or cause us to want to hide that behaviour. It isn’t that complicated; it simply comes down to honesty, transparency, and having respect for one another’s feelings, not because we feel that we need to, but because respecting one another has always been our natural relationship state and is a priority.

This may seem like common sense, no matter one's relationship style, but there is a different framework for how that looks due to the fact that we are non-monogamous and there is compersion in existence. Liam and I curled up together on the couch to watch a ‘background show’ while dipping in and out of our phones to reply to a message from a friend or a lover is not a big deal for us. It is simply normal, happy, relaxed living. It doesn’t feel obsessive or always sexual in nature. It just is what it is, in that moment. There will be times when Liam might be messaging someone he is seeing, and instead of throwing him shade or blowing up our relationship, I will ask him when I might get to see her next because I also genuinely like her company.

He wouldn’t date someone whom I wouldn’t like, not from a place of me controlling whom he dates, but because if I didn’t like her, there would be a genuine reason. He also wouldn’t date someone whom I wouldn’t like because, on the general level of compatibility, we tend to be drawn to the same people. The same goes for me. My husband not liking someone whom I might have considered dating is enough of a red flag for me to reconsider my crush and redirect my attention. But after being with my husband for so many years, I intuitively know who he would and wouldn’t connect with as a metamour. These are situations that we can navigate with ease due to our understanding of one another after many years and shared life experiences together. Knowing one another deeply is part of our couple privilege that I am incredibly grateful for.

In this comment there exists an assumption that I am a party girl, that I am wild, that my husband and I might be hooking up with people at any and all opportunities, and that our family life is at the bottom of our priority list.

This assumption always perplexes me as I consider myself to be an incredibly family-centred person. Even if I did go to a party to let my hair down occasionally, that would not erase my role as being a stable and present mother.

Non-monogamy has taken on different forms for me over the years. Liam and I spent the majority of our twenties living in NYC, which allowed us to easily dip into different non-monogamous scenes, experiences, and connections in a different way than we do now. We were also not parents and had a different relationship with time and how we chose to spend it.

Our NYC chapter was an incredibly powerful and important time in our story. We could stay up late if we wanted to and sleep in the next morning. We could decide at the last moment to go out to a gig, an adult party, or a gathering with friends. There was a flexibility to our schedule that allowed us to seek out and indulge in some of the more party-centred events that were available to us in a city like New York. There was a freedom to explore other aspects of ourselves that came from living away from our hometown of Canberra, Australia.

And I loved every single second.

As grateful as I am for that chapter, I am equally grateful for the chapter of life that we are in now. Canberra is a beautiful city, ideal for raising a family, and I am so grateful and lucky beyond belief that I am able to call Canberra home. I am now 37, and spending time in nature is a priority for me, as is spending time with my family.

I protect my time with my family and hold our rhythms and routines close, consciously making sure not to fill them up with activities. I also live an alcohol-free life, which has also had an impact on how I practice non-monogamy. I still love to dance, have fun, and be playful, but I also value and prioritise my rest and bandwidth in a way that I didn’t feel I needed to when I was in my twenties, child-free and living in the most exciting city in the world.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t prioritise my non-monogamous connections. Non-monogamy does not need to exist in a party environment for me. I do not need to have one or two glasses of wine to take the edge off and feel relaxed enough to connect with someone. If I felt like I needed alcohol to relax, there is something lacking in the connection or my comfortability with them.

Me exchanging voice memos with an overseas connection where we share our thoughts and feelings about particular topics is also something that is met with happiness and curiosity if I bring it up with Liam.

The truth is that I see a lot of non-monogamy happening in different ways around me, with not all of it being consensual or above board. I do see the secretive behaviours of people who might act in a way that would cause distress to their partner if they were to find out about it. The emotional shock of those situations coming to light would cause a huge spanner to be thrown into the family unit if or when they are exposed. The distraction that would come from the navigation of the conflict would be all-consuming. This is one of the reasons why I find it important to talk about non-monogamy.

Our understanding of how to be in a relationship can differ so greatly.

I understand that the person who says, “You should settle down and focus on your family,” may be imagining an environment of emotional chaos and distraction from our family. But the truth is that our non-monogamous approach and philosophies help us to create a marriage and family life that neither one of us feels the need to break out of.

We are interdependent partners in love, life, and parenthood who value freedom and joy for one another. It is the balancing of security and safety alongside freedom and autonomy.

So instead of settling… I will always aim to continue to evolve.

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