Polyamorous? Who? Me?

I have found myself saying out loud lately to others that moving from monogamy to sexually focused non-Monogamy was a playful skip in Central Park compared to the emotional gravity of moving from sexual non-Monogamy to Polyamory. After being an ‘emotionally monogamous’ couple for the entirety of our relationship, moving into polyamory has brought beauty, change and unique growing pains into our marriage.

Non-Monogamy takes on many different and intricate forms. Over the years I have witnessed the divide of ideologies within the non-Monogamous communities. Those on the swinging end of the spectrum value many monogamous principles that encompass heavily coupled, emotional entwinement. It is commonplace that swingers, or ‘monogamish’ folks can look upon Polyamory as an intense threat to their established emotional bond. Swinging can be a place purely for sexual expression, yet it is oftentimes packaged within its various dynamics of play, with an emphasis placed more so on the experiences themselves rather than the people and connections within those experiences.

There are practices that people use with the intention of safeguarding their hearts and to hinder themselves from building polyamorous connections. Nights away with other partners or vulnerable conversations can be out of bounds for many. 

Polyamory prides itself on building multiple loving relationships. Bond forming and love are desired with an understanding that love is infinite. 

In my marriage, we have never referred to, or thought of ourselves previously as Polyamorous. Yet these past seven months or so, we have found ourselves in this new relationship space. We did not consciously make the decision to enter into Polyamory, but because of how a new relationship organically formed, we found ourselves there. There has been something so beautiful about allowing a relationship to naturally unfold. Compersion and fear have coexisted in a vulnerable, expansive dance throughout this new relationship.

With the excitement of a new relationship building, it can be kind to take pause, breathe and stay conscious as the oxytocin floods through. These relationship shifts are big, especially when moving into them from an established, emotionally monogamous, decade long relationship. 

Sharing your spouse emotionally with another after ten years of building a life and growing a family together, is no small experience. Nourishing an established relationship alongside a new relationship is a delicate balance.

I have now found myself to be a beginner in relationships, all over again. Making mistakes, mending, growing, listening, and forgiving myself whilst sitting in discomfort and heartache. 

Along with that, I feel immense gratitude for all that I have in my life, and for being in a marriage that allows for us to radically reinvent and deepen our love for one another through these relationship shifts.

These relationships are beautifully complex and creative by nature. Perhaps it is also this creative element that attracts me to this style of intimate relating in the first place. 

Photo taken of me, by husband, yesterday. 2022