No Betrayal Here

Where Is The Line?

Liam and I have been talking a lot about infidelity lately, not because we are considering giving it a go, but because it is rich ground for interesting conversation, especially through the lens of Non-Monogamy. We also recently binge watched the new Netflix documentary “Ashley Madison”. With righteous Christians secretly leading double lives whilst preaching the values of Monogamy, we couldn’t look away.

It’s the hypocrisy, not the actions, that get me every time. 

What constitutes as an affair? And what constitutes as an affair in a consensually Non-Monogamous relationship? Is it a single act? A lie? An undisclosed text message? When does the line get crossed?

In Non-Monogamy, we carve and cultivate our own relationship dynamics. This also means that we don’t prescribe to a cookie cutter idea of relationship betrayal. 

For Liam and myself, infidelity is not defined by a specific act. It is deeply nuanced and could exist in many micro interactions. An infidelity to us is any behaviour that has us stepping out of the integrity of our relationship. It is any behaviour that we would knowingly keep a secret from one another.

For us, an infidelity might be to deliberately downplay the intensity of feelings for a new partner, or to have secrecy around finances. The betrayal is in the lack of care for the feelings for the other. 

Having transparency within our relationship doesn’t mean that we tell one another absolutely everything, it simply means that we are not hiding anything and are happy to share about anything, if need be.

Everything is clear.

Even though we rarely look through one another’s phones (I sometimes peruse his camera roll to see photos that he has taken of our family), our phones are always open for us to do so if we wish. I am not receiving messages from anyone that I would ever think to hide from my husband. If a message comes through on my phone and I have my hands full, Liam might read it out for me if I ask him to do so.

There have even been times where I have been writing on his laptop and have seen messages from other women drop down on the screen as I type away. Whilst this exact scenario could throw a monogamous couple into turmoil and potentially signify the beginning of an inevitable end- I simply tell him to check his phone as there are messages incoming before getting back to my writing. There is no betrayal there.

There is no hiding.

On the flip side, I have witnessed Monogamous people act in ways that would be considered an infidelity in my own marriage. Secretive behavior with a work colleague or bartender.. A connection where the lines are not ‘technically’ crossed, but where the desire to do so is blatant. Text messages that dance around the reality of the subtext being- ‘I want you. If I wasn’t married I would be in your arms in an instant’.

Implying that there are ‘problems at home’ to foster a sense of possibility with another, or excessive alcohol consumption that skews judgement and shuts down intuition. To me, this is when things are in the weeds. 

Betrayal involves so much more than ‘a kiss’ or ‘sex’.

Forming secretive connections that are outside the bounds of a relationship agreement can be grey areas of infidelity, no matter what relationship structure you are in. 

Creating a relationship together where neither of us feels the need to ‘act out’ is incredibly important to us. Cultivating a space between us where we can share our honest feelings about attractions for others feels realistic, bonding and oftentimes incredibly hot.

So I invite you to consider… where is your line?

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Photo taken of me by my husband, April 2024