My Husband's Crush

She was warm-hearted and effortlessly beautiful with one of the cheekiest smiles that I had ever seen. It was no wonder that my husband was grinning from ear to ear every time his phone buzzed. Their desire for one another was undeniable, and was something that I had witnessed over the course of a weekend only a few weeks ago.

Images of my husband’s arms wrapping around her waist as they kissed were at the forefront of my mind. Her head tilted as her soft, dark curls fell across the middle of her tan back, reaching down to kiss her bare neck. Before long, the quiet crackle of the fire was covered by the sounds of their pleasure as I looked on with curiosity and awe.

—

“Do you feel like I become distracted whenever I have New Relationship Energy?” My husband asked me midway through our most recent podcast recording. 

I pondered the question as he continued to speak, noticing his huge smile. And I could understand why.

Whilst his NRE is undeniable, I do not feel like it is a distraction away from our family or relationship. If anything, his energy is heightened and his playful happiness feeds into the joy of our home. Energy levels rise, smiles last longer, and I somehow find myself being the recipient of more kisses and hugs than usual. Perhaps this is caused from a feeling of gratitude that he has for our relationship and its ability to hold space for these types of feelings, or maybe it is ‘overflow’ from the joyful feelings that are pouring from him?

As we continued to discuss the matter on our podcast, Liam suggested that it might be ‘overflow’, to which I laughed and queried whether or not I was getting the ‘leftovers’ from the abundance of his new feelings for someone else. He shot me an adoring and loving look as if to say, ‘don’t be silly’.

Watching your partner fall into their feelings for someone else is an interesting experience. It can be full of excitement and play. It can also feel a little odd, especially in the early days of non-monogamy. No matter how many Polyamorous books we have read or coaches we have listened to, we are socially conditioned from a young age to want to be the target of our lover’s undivided attention, which in turn can make it unusual to witness their focus being pulled elsewhere. If I didn’t feel compersion, non-monogamy would feel near impossible for me. If I was only left to wade through the difficulties and triggers, it wouldn’t be worth it to put my nervous system through the pressure of trying to navigate my marriage in this way. The compersion takes the edge off and calls in the pleasure. 

As long as I am not premenstrual, I am a great sport when it comes to Liam having feelings for someone else. It is an opportunity to lean into the reality that as well as being his wife and lover, I am also his best friend. I can wing-woman my husband better than any other person ever could. I know the ins and outs of his desires and interests. I am his constant and reliable confidant. 

New Relationship Energy doesn’t take away from our family life. Our family is at the centre of our hearts and we love being together. Enjoying feelings for other people does not feel like we are escaping one another or the life that we have built. 

Through a monogamous lens, having feelings for someone new can signify that there is something wrong in the current relationship. To me this comes from a lack of awareness that we are far more romantically complex than we might understand. Believe it or not, it is possible to have feelings for more than one person and we can cultivate these feelings within us if we have the capacity and compersive supports to do so.

To believe that my husband would stop loving me, or caring about our family because he has a crush for someone else feels almost offensive to our relationship and family. Perhaps if we didn’t have the connection and life that we do, NRE might feel like a threat to us. But I personally cannot imagine a crush or deep feelings for someone else making me question my love for Liam and our life together. Liam feels the same.

To not hold insecure reigns over him and allow him the space to have his own internal world doesn’t pull us apart. It makes us closer in unexpected ways and is an enjoyable and realistic way for us to be in a meaningful, long term relationship together. Of course we have our moments, I am not compersive all of the time, I am not perfect. I get triggered. I am hormonal. I am human. I have drifts of insecurity that sweep over me, but our capacity to navigate this is in our ability repair together. 

There are many ways in which a person can be distracted or have their attention turned away from their partner and family, no matter their relationship style. For us, it might be situations that cause stress, or being overtired and overworked. We are consciously aware of our bandwidth across the board and try to avoid people or situations that bring stress into our life. Whilst non-monogamy can have its moments, it is a great positive and shared joy in our lives. 

New Relationship Energy feels safe for Liam and I because we are grounded in ourselves and in our relationship. The security of us isn’t pulled into question when there is a small discomfort bubbling away at the surface. 

Instead of looking at New Relationship Energy as something that might come between us, I see it as something that allows us to exhale into our humanity. 

Whether someone is monogamous or non-monogamous, having crushes on people at different times during the course of a lifetime is a normal human experience. It can be a lovely, bubbly feeling to have. In a world where so many people suppress their openness to having feelings for others, and oftentimes to the detriment of their relationship, it can be clearing to be able to discuss and celebrate attractions for others, whether one decides to open up a relationship or not. 

This is our one precious life and we have chosen to enjoy the crushes and lean into our compersion, sometimes by a fireplace.

Photo taken of me by husband, 2024.