My Friend's Dad

Photo by my husband, Liam

"What is he thinking?" Liam gasped when I told him later that night. 

"I have no idea. On what planet would this ever be appropriate?" I replied. 

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A few months ago, the father of one of my best friends liked me on a non-monogamous dating app. It was a bizarre moment. As I scrolled through his profile with wide eyes, I felt my discomfort growing. He must have read my profile too. 

Immediately, I wanted to reach out to my friend and let her know. Even though I hadn't done anything to invite his like on my profile, I felt like I had done something wrong. My friend's dad looking for a connection with me felt like a betrayal to the innocence of our friendship. Did he really think I would entertain this idea? 

One reason I started writing about non-monogamy and my experiences was to break down misconceptions around alternative relationships. One of those misconceptions is that non-monogamous people have no boundaries and that "anything goes." Just because I am non-monogamous doesn't mean I want to be non-monogamous with everyone.

After the initial shock of seeing my best friend's dad's face staring back at me through my phone, I started thinking about online dating etiquette and what to do when we see someone we know from vanilla life on a dating site. 

While I love seeing people I know on non-monogamous dating apps, I don't necessarily "like" their profile. It's more of a silent nod and smile as I continue with my business. Protecting pre-existing relationships and friendships is important to me, as is avoiding unnecessary complications in my life.

Living in a small city means I know I'll recognize people on dating apps. Just yesterday, a friend sent me a photo of someone's profile with me in the background of their leading image. While I don't mind the small-town feel, it can be tricky when it comes to privacy and overlapping connections. 

As much as I advocate for dense non-monogamous friendship groups and polycules, I like to have some space when it comes to my own dating life and friends. Dating someone who subsequently begins dating a close friend doesn't appeal to me. I love being a safe place for my established friendships to share about their own relationships without having them entangled in my own, and vice versa. 

This doesn't mean I won't become friends with my metamours. Forming a close metamour friendship is something I love and will cultivate when possible and desired. For me, that relationship exists in a different space, especially if we met under the circumstances of sharing a partner.

Becoming metamours with a long-term friend doesn't hold the same appeal for me. I believe my hesitancy around this is due to my need for privacy. 

Privacy for my friends. 

Privacy from my friends. 

Privacy for my partners. 

Privacy for myself. 

I need to know that if my friends have private information about me, it's because I told them, not because they heard it through a shared partner. I need to be able to turn to friends if I need to talk about a partner without worrying about how it will impact their romantic life or our friendship. 

Choosing who to connect with in the non-monogamous space is not something I rush into. There are no hard and fast rules, and of course, there are exceptions when it comes to dating people we already know. However, my friend's dad is definitely not one of those exceptions.

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