Men Sharing Women
What type of man would ever share HIS wife? Is it a weak man? A man with low self-esteem? A man who cannot satisfy his partner? These are some of the common misconceptions about straight, non-monogamous men that are usually held by people who don't know any non-monogamous men.
As someone who knows many non-monogamous men, these assumptions couldn't be further from the truth. When I think of the non-monogamous men I've met over the last decade, words like 'weak', 'low self-esteem', and 'unsatisfactory' don't come to mind.
Men who take the time to interrogate their ingrained beliefs about what it means to be in partnership with a woman, in a way that empowers and uplifts her even in the face of societal expectations, are some of the most emotionally mature and sexy men I know.
Of course the concept of “sharing” implies that there is a sense of ownership. For me, the framing of “sharing” pays homage to our connection between each other and our relationship. I can “share” him, and he can “share” me. This is a linguistic minefield that can upset the apple cart, but this dangerous territory is worth making note of and addressing. Perhaps I will interogate this further in future writings.
When my husband celebrates and uplifts me as I get ready to go for lunch or dinner with another man, 'insecure' couldn't be farther from the reality of our dynamic. It is his inner security that allows him to celebrate me in this way. The security he has within himself is the foundation from which we can explore.
His belief in me as a woman is evident in ways beyond our non-monogamy. His 'I don't give a fuck' attitude about what other people think is inspiring. He is the epitome of a man who experiences the world through a lens of love and excitement when so many look out from fear.
This openness and security manifest in ways beyond our non-monogamy. His quiet voice in the middle of the night, whispering in my ear, 'You have a voice, you should write. You should be honest about who you are. It doesn't matter if you lose friends. Just be yourself,' encourages and lifts me up to stand tall in my ability to express who I am. To me, this is true partnership.
When I was pregnant in Brooklyn and floated the idea of a home birth with a midwife and doula, he spent the time learning about it even though it was something he had never previously considered. He is open, curious, and believes in me. He isn't afraid to do things a little differently. To me, this takes strength.
When I birthed our son in a pool of water in the living room of our apartment, I drew on the strength and love of my husband. I was fully supported to step into my role as mother in an environment that mirrored what I value in moments of sexual intimacy: warmth, trust, respect, sensual atmosphere, primal surrender.
I know myself. If I were in an environment with bright lights, triggering smells, and staff changeovers during labor, my labor would have stalled. My husband knows this too. He knows me.
Men who can support in this way and don't feel the need to control and steer a woman's right to her own bodily experiences are incredibly special.
When friends of ours have shifted in discomfort upon hearing about our non-monogamy, Liam has always spoken his truth unashamedly.
I have witnessed firsthand the minds of my friend's husbands twisting before my eyes as Liam joyfully tells them I might be seeing another man. As I witness their uncomfortable squirming, I wonder what feels particularly uneasy for them in that moment? Is it questioning what commitment might look like without sexual fidelity? Is it a fear that if their partner hears how we cultivate our relationship, that she may want to explore in a similar way?
I wonder if part of what can be confronting for people is the reality that we are all our own sexual beings who come to share in a sexual connection, rather than our sexual identity existing solely because of our partner.
Men who have an understanding of how powerful and liberated a woman can be when she is in full bloom within her sense of self and sexual expression are the ones that are helping to undo generations of shame and control. The care and safety from men who release their shame and judgements of liberated women, making a safe space for women to harness their sexual power, are part of the change.
One doesn't need to practically live a non-monogamous life to be a radical supporter of their partner. But opening up the conversation about why we experience love and relationships the way we do, while taking the time to challenge preconceived ideas and expectations of masculinity and commitment, can be incredibly empowering whether one is non-monogamous or not.
Of course all people will experience insecurity, no matter what relationship style they choose to practice. But I will never believe for a moment that non-monogamous men are only non-monogamous because they are lacking.
Listen and Watch Ep. 49 - Evolving Love Live at National Film and Sound Archive of Australia
