Meeting A Metamour

Apr 12, 2025

I have always wondered how a ‘polycule’ is defined.

Is there a definitive end to a polycule, or is it a never-ending constellation of connections? Should it primarily be defined by ‘kitchen table’ dynamics? Does it technically count as being in a polycule if you haven't yet met your metamour? Is it a term reserved only for people who practice Polyamory with a capital P?

I was recently at a friend’s birthday party with my husband and son. Live music and laughter filled the air as the children ran around the garden beneath the gentle afternoon sun.

After an hour or so of mingling and chatting with people, I found myself in thoughtful conversation with a woman I had just met. I liked her immediately and felt a friendly connection to her. She was kind and curious, with a vibrant personality that shone through.

As we chatted and shared, we discovered our commonalities: we were both married, both mothers, and shared mutual friends. After conversationally feeling each other out, we both realised that we are non-monogamous.

Yet, unbeknownst to either of us, we had something else in common.

We shared a lover.

We were metamours.

A few nights later, I was sitting in my lover’s kitchen, asking curious questions about what had been happening in his world lately. As he shared his week's activities, he mentioned seeing a lover of his whom he doesn’t see very often. After sharing her name and speaking fondly of her, things began to click into place.

She was the woman I had met at the party over the weekend.

My brain began to process this as I thought back to her and I standing together, initially having a polite conversation about motherhood—sharing about our husbands and lives, completely unaware that we both had another lover who was the same man. We were completely unaware in that moment that we had somehow found ourselves under the same low light, held in the arms of the same man.

I admit that this type of mental twist is something I enjoy. It is socially unusual and rather taboo. It is a nod to the unknown, coupled with a reminder that we may all be more connected to one another than we consciously understand. Perhaps moments like this are a physical representation of how deeply connections run.

During the days after discovering our shared lover, I began to think more deeply about metamours. Is someone only a ‘true metamour’ if you both acknowledge the connection? Can we refer to someone as our metamour if we don’t have their permission to do so?

As I think back to the warmth I felt for her when we met, I wonder if on some deeper level I was picking up on more of a connection than I had consciously realised. Or perhaps it is simply that our lover attracts kind, thoughtful women who would most likely become friends upon meeting.

While I enjoy asking questions to understand the nuances of the non-monogamous space, I also enjoy not always having the answers.

I may not always be certain in my understanding of what ‘counts’ as polyamorous, or a metamour, or a polycule. But what I do know is that I would love to catch up with her for a chat over the kitchen table sometime, whether we share a lover or not. And if that technically makes us ‘kitchen table,’ then that is fine with me.

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* This photo was taken by Liam on our 10th Wedding Anniversary. I will be sharing more photos from this eventful shoot, and some BTS video and photos for paid subscribers.