Love Police

Social Media Gatekeepers

Is there only one ethical way?

Have I missed something?

Isn’t one of the major draw cards for non-monogamy the ability for the people within the relationship to create a dynamic/ relationship that works for those involved in that particular relationship?   

I am truly unfazed when monogamous people try to attack me online for being non-monogamous. I almost expect them to do so. My life is so far removed from those people who feel the need to spend moments of their time huffing and puffing about my life choices.

Yet when polyamorous people start grandstanding about their way of practicing polyamory as the only ethical way to be polyamorous or non-monogamous, it catches my attention. 

In this case, their argument is that any form of hierarchy within a relationship is unethical. Fascinating. This type of dogma sounds reminiscent of the ten commandments but with a polyamous edge. Should we have blanket rules for what is and isn’t ethical when it comes to relationships with no regard for what the actual people in those relationships might want? 

If you were considering pivoting from an established monogamous relationship into polyamory, would you ease into it slowly? Would you honour the relationship that already existed between you both by being sensitive and caring to one another? Would you also be sensitive and honest with potential partners about your capacity and what you can give to a relationship with them, and then let them decide if dating you is right for them?

This is common human decency where there is respect for everyone involved. It isn’t unethical.

It’s informed consent.

If I was told that my relationship with Liam had to change immediately if we were to open up, I would never have been interested in exploring an open relationship or polyamory in the first place. If I were told that any new partner of his now comes to all of our family gatherings because ‘that is fair’, I would have had a panic attack. I don’t think this makes me ‘unethical’, I believe that it makes me human. I care about my marriage so deeply that of course I am protective over what my husband and I share together. 

I don’t believe for a moment that I am the only person who feels this way.

One of my friends who identifies as solo polyamorous shared with me that one of the draw cards of polyamory for her is that she can be in relationships with people where there is not too much pressure or expectation put on her as a partner. Her preference is to have partners who are married to someone else but who can see her when her children are with their dad and when they can find the time. She doesn’t want all of the social goings on that come with being someone’s public partner. She doesn’t want to meet her partner’s parents or be invited to Christmas.

This does not mean that there is no love in the relationship. This does not mean that this isn’t a polyamorous connection. She has been dating her married partner for many years and they have a meaningful connection where they freely express their love for one another. They just have not built a life together in the way that he has with his wife, and this works really well for all involved.

Poly = many. Amorous = love. This type of love doesn’t need to exist within the expectations or rules made up by Polyamorous instagram influencers, no matter how intensely they stare down the camera lens.  

This is not about blanket relationship ethics, it is about communicating whether or not you are still happy with how things are going under the current circumstances.

As I hear my friend happily share with me about how this relationship suits her well, I struggle to see where the unethical part of this might exist? I simply see a group of adults who are respectfully being in relationships that work for them whilst also honoring and prioritizing their children and family life balance.

I am fully aware that there will always be certain privileges that my established relationship with Liam holds. However, these are only privileges if one assumes that our partners want the same relationship that we share. It feels arrogant to think that all of the partners that we have had, or might have, would want to have the same type of life enmeshment that we have with one another. It is naive to think that every partner of mine would certainly want the same amount of responsibility that Liam and I have for one another. 

With newer partners there can be a freedom in the reality that we are not totally absorbed in each other’s lives in the way that my husband and I are. The thought of domesticating a relationship with another partner just does not appeal to me for a multitude of reasons and I know that it has not appealed to those who have dated me. If that is something that they may have wanted from me, that would be an issue of incompatibility… not questionable ethics. 

Photo by my husband, Liam

I recently read on a preachy instagram page that it is unethical to have ‘favourite’ partners or to love one partner more than another. First of all, I wasn’t aware that the “Love Police” were going around and handing out ‘unethical cards’ for anyone who might prefer the company of one partner. Am I not allowed to feel most comfortable and at ease in the company of the person to whom I share a twelve year attachment bond with? 

Of all the faults that a human being can have, demonizing polyamorous people who prioritize their spouse and children feels laughable. 

My husband and I have been together for over twelve years. We have lived overseas together. We are parents together. We love one another’s families and think of them as our own. We have shared projects, hopes, dreams and visions for the future that we share and work towards every single day. We have held each other through difficult times and raised each other up at any and every opportunity to do so. We have a network of established friends who know us as ‘Abbey and Liam’. Does all of this history count for nothing when someone new comes into our life? Should we apologize for this? 

Whilst I can acknowledge all of these privileges that our marriage holds, I can also acknowledge that connections with other partners can become incredibly meaningful. It is absolutely possible to have respectful and loving relationships with other people in ways that do not try to mirror my marriage. If anything, a connection with someone else is a wonderful opportunity to create something that has a point of difference to other relationships. But this connection is only truly fulfilling for them if they are not hoping to have what I have with my husband. It will always look different. 

I have had wonderful lovers and partners over the years. Strong, ongoing meaningful connections with great men who have respect and care for my marriage. Liam and I have never misrepresented how we practice non-monogamy to anyone and have always treated our partners with care and respect. When connections have ended due to a partner of mine no longer being able to see me because they are hoping to build something like what Liam and I have with someone else- I wish them well and have gratitude for the time that we have shared together. Of course I have felt sad when connections have ended for these reasons, but such is life and relationships. I know how this works and would never in a million years want someone to put their life on hold for me. 

As Esther Perel says, “There are many people who you will love and they are not necessarily the same people that you will make a life with. Are you looking for a love story, or are you looking for a life story?”

In my experience of non-monogamy, I am open to meaningful connections with others in ways where we can visit one another's lives and share time together, not build a new life together from the ground up in the way that I have a life with my husband. 

Most of the people who I have come across can understand that people can love and be in relationships in many different ways. I know many intelligent, curious and open hearted monogamous people who are open minded to the reality that non-monogamy is completely valid and does work for many.

At what point do strict rules interfere with the humanity and natural fluidity of relationships?

As people split off into their communities defined by how they identify, there will always be extremists. There will be people who fight for the need to be ‘the most polyamorous’. There will be people who truly believe that their way is THE ONLY RIGHT way. That their rules should be everyone’s rules and that nobody else can call themselves ethically polyamorous unless they are striving towards an egalitarian polyamorous nirvana. These are also the people who are the first to criticize and shame people for being ‘basic’ and ‘un-evolved’ for being monogamous. 

Shaming people for being unethical for prioritizing who they need to prioritize is what feels ‘un-evolved’ to me.

Even though I am in a non-monogamous relationship that at times has been polyamorous, I still value many of the same qualities that are found in many monogamous relationships. Whilst many non-monogamous people are consciously decentralizing their romantic relationships, decoupling, or actively working to become more independent from a core partner- it is also completely ok to not want to do those things whilst also living a non-monogamous life.

Relationships are not limited to monogamy or egalitarian polyamory. This ability to hold many different facets of self and ways of being within relationships along with curating a relationship that works for those who are IN the relationship is what appeals to me about non-monogamy in the first place.

If there was just the ‘one right way’ to be polyamorous, I would not be interested in exploring these topics through writing and podcasts. Writing about the growing pains and joys from my experience is interesting and cathartic. 

As I see some of the grandstanding voices in this space, I feel perplexed by their lack of ability to see that perhaps not everyone who feels a love for multiple people wants to have their relationships structured in the same way as they do.

The other day I read in the writings of a polyamorist extremist that any form of hierarchy within a romantic relationship is essentially racist and the way of the colonizer. This perspective leaves no room for the individual ethics and stories that exist from relationship to relationship. It clouds dialogue in a blanket of shame to diminish the myriad of ways that polyamory can look for people who practice it. 

To demand that love can only hold its validity if it works a certain way is missing the point entirely. 

I have the utmost respect for people who practice egalitarian polyamory. In the same way that I have the utmost respect for the parent’s of my son’s best friend who are Hindu and are in one of the happiest monogamous marriages that I know of ( an arranged marriage at that!). 

Sweeping statements of ethics across relationships feel redundant. Accosting people for the personal choices of how they live their lives whilst claiming to be educators is bizarre to me.

Choosing to shame and ‘other’ people to get a point across is reductive and simply widens the divide of understanding for one another.  

If you are honest, communicative and transparent with your partners, good for you. 

Enjoy your relationship and remember that there are no police in the realms of love. 

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