Intoxicated Desire
Alcohol & The Pursuit Of Clarity
My lips parted as I slowly applied my lipstick. I liked the colour and it wasn’t lost on me how similar it was to the lipstick that I wore on our wedding day a few years earlier. “I can’t decide which ones to wear” I said to my husband as I held up two sets of earrings. “You look absolutely beautiful. He won’t be looking at your earrings... Trust me” Liam swiftly replied. “Thanks babe” I said, as I fitted the earrings onto my ears. I sipped my wine and continued to get dressed for my date.
It was a first date, we had met through mutual friends in the scene and had been talking for a week and a half via text. Even though we hadn’t met in person yet, I was excited. I felt heightened by the anticipation of meeting him. Was I genuinely into him? Or was it the music and the small glass of wine that was helping me to relax and get into the headspace for the evening? Was I attracted to this man that I had not yet met in person? Or was I drawn to the feeling of my pre-date ritual?
My expression of non-monogamy has changed and shifted over the years. Ten years ago I felt wary at the thought of forming any type of ongoing emotional connection with another lover. Now I feel it to be a crucial part of the journey for me. To feel comfortable with someone, I need to be fully seen. Mind, body and soul.
Ten years ago I wouldn’t have dreamt of walking into any type of non-monogamous environment or date without having a glass of wine beforehand to soothe my nervous excitement. Whilst I have compassion for that version of Abbey, I feel it to be such a gift to now sit in my feelings without the presence of alcohol in my life.
Being alcohol free for over a year has changed the way in which I practice non-monogamy and how I go about my life. I have always been discerning with partners, but now I feel that even more so. Without alcohol as a social and sexual lubricant, I am left fully with myself, without the blanket of a drink wrapped around me for protection or feigned confidence.
For the first few months of being clear from alcohol, I felt slightly anxious in social situations. Being a social butterfly who has often enjoyed having a glass of wine in hand during social settings, I noticed changes within my behaviour. I have become a more conscientious listener. I don’t need to share every thought or opinion that runs through my mind. I feel more observant of myself and others. And as someone who loves having meaningful conversations with many different people, I have no time to second guess the words that come out of my mouth.
I also now feel more comfortable dating people who don’t drink much, or at all. There is something sexy about being with someone who can sit in their own comfort and discomfort in moments of vulnerability and intimacy. Every moment feels intentional.
On a physical level, I feel stronger, fitter, healthier and clearer than I ever have. As someone who can be prone to anxiety, removing the depressant of alcohol from my life has been life-altering. I can run farther for longer behind my son as he rides his bike. I more easily find the enthusiasm to be active everyday. Every day is a day with a clear mind.
I have never liked extremes or absolute statements. So saying ‘I will never drink again’ feels intense for me. But recognising the relief that I now feel from not drinking is powerful. I no longer feel naked without a glass of wine in my hand. I feel empowered and authentically confident. Anytime that I am offered a drink, I feel grateful to not have any desire to accept it.
Going alcohol-free has brought more peace into my life and into my marriage. I care deeply about my family and relationships and am under no illusion in believing that drinking is of any benefit to those aspects of my life.
I don’t want to waste a single moment of my life feeling undone from alcohol. I don’t want to miss social cues or have insecure feelings arise because I’m under the affects of a depressant. I am a sensitive person and I want to stay sensitive to the people around me.
When it comes to my personal relationships, I choose to connect with people for who they are. Not because I’m feeling ‘in the mood’ from having a glass of wine.
For me, alcohol and non-monogamy don’t mix. Alcohol can blur the lines of consent and personal awareness.
We all have different experiences. In love. In parenting. In life. Everyone has different relationships to the different aspects of their lives.
I am simply sharing mine.
Photo taken of me by my Husband tonight.