I Love It When My Husband Is With Other Women. Why?

“In these intimate moments, I see him as his own individual person, separate from me.“

When the topic of Ethical Non- Monogamy falls upon the ears of those who are very new to the concept, it is common to assume that there must be a certain level of indifference or detachment from one another to even consider it a possibility. I understand how this is the common misconception as monogamy is deeply ingrained into the fabric of our society. The monogamous ideal saturates us from all angles, its in our movies, our songs, our family structures, our values as a person and our moral and ethical understandings. I am not saying that monogamy is wrong, of course it isn’t. It is a wonderful choice for most. I am just making note of the fact that its influence is heavy and all around us.

Monogamy is presented as the utmost expression of ‘real’ love for our spouse- ‘I look away from all others- I only look to you’. It is no wonder that people can become nervous at the thought of taking the slip road off the monogamy freeway to explore other possibilities.

As intentional people, L and I really stopped and delved into why this was something that we felt pulled to explore. Yes, I am bisexual, but sexual orientation and monogamy are different conversations, just because someone is bisexual doesn’t mean that they are destined for ENM. We didn’t feel indifferent about our relationship, we felt alive and insatiable for one another. What we didn’t realize at the time was that our pull towards ENM was brought about by strong feelings of Compersion for one another.

So what is Compersion? It is the feeling of true joy, happiness and oftentimes a sexual arousal that comes when your partner receives pleasure, joy and happiness from someone else. Huh? People actually feel this? Absolutely. It is the emotion that they forgot to teach you about in the Disney movies. If jealousy is at one end of the spectrum, compersion is at the other. It is incredibly common and incredibly misunderstood. It is Sympathetic Joy. In Buddhism it is called Mudita and is thought to be the most difficult of virtues to cultivate.

I found my feelings of compersion slightly confusing at times as I would still experience moments of jealousy that would travel alongside and weave in and out of my compersion, in real time. It is possible to experience these two contrasting emotions at once. It can be equally confusing and.. thrilling.

I receive pleasure from witnessing my husband through the eyes of other women. In these intimate moments, I see him as his own individual person, separate from me. It can be almost like I’m stepping outside of myself to witness him. The enmeshment of the two of us and our shared domestic life dissolve in these moments as eroticism charges from the space that we create. In my moments of compersion, L is not as available to me, he is in the presence of another. Space fuels the fire between us. Through her, I see him for the first time again and my heart beats for him. He’s happy because I’m happy and I’m happy because he’s happy. And of course, we make sure that our partner is happy too. It can be a Win/ Win…Win+.

L and I choose to expand and grow together in this way as a couple because we have such solid foundations of love, care and trust. We have the ability to explore these parts of ourselves, together, because we have solid foundations.

To be in the throes of compersion is a beautiful and freeing experience. It is something that we can investigate and cultivate together. It is very much alive and is something that can be nurtured and expanded upon.

It was compersion, not indifference, that drew us to begin exploring ENM eight years ago, and it is the reason that we continue to do so today. Many people can understand ENM on an intellectual level without understanding or experiencing compersion and it can be a struggle. ENM isn’t just about ‘boundaries and consent’, yes, those things are vitally important, but the importance of intention and whether one can feel secure enough to enjoy this Sympathetic Joy is vital.

As our relationship has evolved over the years, so has our compersion. It shows up in different ways, as we are different people. It has been quite an unfolding and exciting journey which I’ll talk more about in future posts.

I will also add that compersion isn’t just limited to romantic relationships, it can be experienced in all relationships across the board. It’s a wonderful thing to experience pleasure and happiness simply from other people’s pleasure and happiness. It’s a beautiful form of Joy. I highly recommend it.

(Photo of me by my husband, 2020)