How I Spent My Birthday

Reflections On Change

I turned thirty six a few weeks ago and I have been reflecting a lot on change. I am not the same woman that I was when I was in my early twenties. Becoming a mother and the experience of birthing and nurturing my son has changed and deepened me in undeniable ways. 

But I am still me, and the woman who I was still lives within me. 

So how does an alcohol-free, non-monogamous mother spend her thirty sixth birthday?

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Aside from motherhood, most of the changes in my life feel relatively subtle. I don’t tend to jump on bandwagons or co-opt new identities. I am simply me. I rarely let go of people in my life, and when distance happens, it is usually because we are peacefully living out our own lives or have oceans between us. In many ways, I am a creature of habit.

I tend to wear the same types of clothes and nearly always wear my hair out. I have my favourite foods and restaurants. Every couple of years I’ll rewatch Mad Men again as my ‘background show’. I think I have watched it seven times, and for this I blame Don Draper. I would consider myself to be a fairly consistent person and as I write these words, I’m wondering if perhaps I might even be somewhat boring? To some, I might be. But that doesn’t matter. I like what I like. 

One of the phrases that I hear often in the non-Monogamous space is ‘people and relationships inevitably change’. Phrases such as this can quickly become a key selling point for non-Monogamy. Hearing that everyone will eventually change can sound destabilising, especially when you are moving through a relatively happy life. Not everyone wants to change, and that is completely fine. What might spark a playful curiosity in one person can trigger fear in another. 

There is often the element of the unknown in change, and ‘the unknown’ doesn’t always feel secure or comforting. 

Within reason I am open to new experiences and trying new things. In a few days time it will be one year since I had my last sip of alcohol. Giving up alcohol came about as a relaxed life change that I decided to try out. This ‘small change’ has turned into something much bigger for me. The choice to give up alcohol has been a significant change in my life, and has had a huge impact on my emotional and physical wellbeing. 

For the first few months of not drinking, my perspective was that it was something that I had ‘casually given up’. Since then, and now after continually witnessing new changes within myself, it is no longer a loss, but a huge gain and gift to myself and those around me. I will write soon about how going alcohol-free has positively affected my relationships with others and myself, and the effects on my experience of non-Monogamy.

Over the years, my relationship with Liam has shifted, but it really hasn’t ‘changed’ in any drastic way. We are still us, and our relationship doesn’t feel that different to how it was almost thirteen years ago. And I am glad for that fact. When we began to open up our relationship in 2014, there was a part of me that was nervous to lose the essence of ‘us’. I was open for our relationship to grow, but I didn’t necessarily want it to change.

As excited as I was to explore non-Monogamy, I felt protective over our relationship. Feeling protective of a partner is a normal human emotion, especially when we are coming from monogamy or a relationship that is deeply interdependent. Whilst the change from monogamous to open was one of significance, it felt like a natural step for us and wasn’t particularly jarring.

Non-Monogamy has changed for us over the years, but not in a way that feels like we are becoming more seperate from one another. It also doesn’t look or feel like we are on the fast track to some form of egalitarian polyamory. If anything, I feel less open to Polyamory than I did two years ago. Whilst I am somewhat open to a connection existing somewhere between the realms of open and poly, I am not necessarily seeking to cultivate other relationships that feel intensely polyamorous, and I believe that much of that is because I need my own personal space. 

The pull to non-Monogamy for me comes in the play, the curiosity and the mindset. I like my space and I tend to fatigue when spending extended time around people who are not my husband or our son. I am sure that I am not alone in feeling like this.

Thinking back to the playful woman that I was in my early twenties, I feel that non-Monogamy is one way that pulls her out of me still. As a contrast to ‘non-Monogamy bringing about change’, for me it often feels like non-Monogamy allows me to tap into younger, cheeky versions of myself with ease. I am still that person. In a society that can subtly shame mothers for investing in themselves outside of their family life or work- I like that I can occasionally feel shy and perhaps even blush like a teenager when I’m on a date that is going well. This is a lovely feeling and is in contrast to much of my life as a mother and wife to a man who I know and love so deeply.

So how did I spend my birthday?

At the beginning of my birthday week, Liam planned a little solo trip for me to another city, where I rested, connected and napped. On my actual birthday I awoke to find our home filled with streamers and joy and was celebrated and spoiled by the two loves of my life, Liam and our son. The next evening we went out for dinner with my parents where our son drew pictures for me at the dinner table.

Celebrations continued a few days later with a small party at our home with our non-Monogamous and vanilla friends. The children encouraged us to stargaze for a while and my friend Kate surprised me with her impressive planetary knowledge. To finish off the festivities Liam and I went away with four friends for a particularly decadent weekend of gothic feasting and play. 

My change is happening in peaceful and playful ways. Whilst there can be moments of discomfort, it doesn’t feel destabilising. It just is what it is. 

How it has always been... but different. 

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Photos taken of me by my Husband on my Birthday getaway