Daddy Issues
Generational Rebels
There is an ignorant assumption that I must have a damaged relationship with my father.
Some people can be quick to assume that I am non-monogamous as a result of this imaginary damaged relationship.
Did I not get enough hugs as a child?
Am I looking for my dad in the men who I date?
Are non-monogamous people on an endless quest for the validation they never received when they were Children?
People who don’t understand non-monogamy can jump to reasons of childhood wounding as to why a person would choose to be non-monogamous. Surely something, somewhere, went wrong?
The truth is my dad and I are incredibly close. We always have been. During my teen years I wasn’t overly interested in spending too much time with him, but only because at that tender age I preferred to be in the company of my friends.
I am fortunate that my father has always been there for me, and not just in surface ways. He gives me advice when I ask for it, and meets me during times of difficulty, sharing from his own personal learnings. We have deep, philosophical conversations until late at night and have always shared a sense of humour and many in-jokes between us.
My dad is a deep dude. A big picture thinker. A curious person. Spiritual - in a natural, humble way. A rebel to his own upbringing.
My dad jokingly refers to himself as a ‘recovering Catholic’. Recovering from the cruel nuns who caned his hands when he tripped over his words due to his undiagnosed dyslexia. He was raised on purity culture rhetoric and was told that masturbation would make hair grow on his palms. Heaven and Hell were his options for the afterlife.
By the time my father was a teenager, he had dropped his belief in man-made religion, and instead chose to worship in the music of musicians whom he loved. Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, Jimi Hendrix, Cat Stevens, Jimmy Page, Neil Young, and others of that era spoke a spiritual language that drew my father in more than Catholicism ever had.
My father is a radically authentic person who does not hold a fake bone in his body. He is himself, always. Seeing him be himself has always been a gift to me.
Much to my father’s disapproval, I was christened a Catholic when I was a baby. My father refused to attend my christening, causing disappointment within his own family. When I look at the photos of my christening, I am proud of my father’s absence. I can also understand why my mother chose to have me christened. She was twenty four at the time and simply wanted to make a good impression with the in-laws. To her, there was no harm in having me christened.
Despite my father’s upbringing, he has created his own life. He is driven and hardworking and has perspective and a clear vision of what matters the most to him. His family. Time in nature. Reading. Reflecting. Rituals. Art. Humour. Connecting with animals. Caring for the environment. Helping people in anyway that he can, purely for their sake- not for a pat on the back. When I was 9, I remember my dad saying that it is always important to help people whenever, and in anyways that you can. But once you do, you stay quiet about it. Those who publicly pat themselves on the back after helping others can have questionable intentions. Would they be generous and kind if they had nobody to speak to after their moment of generosity? His strong example is why I cringe at empty virtual signalling.
When I read nasty comments from strangers online saying that my father must be ashamed of me, I genuinely have to stop myself from laughing. My father is deeply proud of me for having my own mind, and is a huge supporter of how I love, and my life and parenting choices. He truly knows us and sees us for who we are, not for how society might prefer for us to be.
When I told my dad that Liam and I were open, he smiled and said, ‘Well- you have always known your own mind. And that is something that I love about you.’
He cares about how we are going, and has met different partners of ours at social gatherings over the years. I often receive messages from my dad telling me that he just finished listening to an episode of our podcast and that he absolutely loved it. Being my father, he is more interested in our episodes where we interview other people, or when we discuss a topic about non-monogamy in more general terms. He turns it off if he feels that it is not a conversation that we would bring up with him over dinner, which I totally understand and appreciate. My dad doesn’t need to know everything to be a supportive parent. And at the end of the day- no matter how open minded my dad is- he is still my dad and I am still his daughter. He can be supportive without knowing absolutely everything.
Whilst I often turn to my dad for life advice, when it comes to non-monogamy, I seek advice or wisdom from other people in my life. Not because he couldn’t handle it, but because he doesn’t need to. I have no interest in causing him any unnecessary stress. My father is deeply attached to Liam and me as a couple and he wouldn’t want anything or anyone to get in the way of our relationship. He is also a very monogamous person, and doesn’t bring any lived experience to those conversations. Yet, even though he is monogamous, he has strong emotional intelligence and sees that non-monogamy is not something that threatens mine and Liam’s bond.
I don’t know if my father had envisioned that his one and only child, would not be able to conform to a life of monogamy, but I know that he is not surprised that Liam and I have carved our own path. My dad unpacked his Catholicism as a teenager, and as a result he raised me to question the norms around me.
By being the rebel in his family, he gave me permission to be a rebel too. He also gave me permission to be ok with people’s disagreement in who I am. He gave me permission to drop the need to please everyone at the cost of my own sense of self.
My dad is deeply proud of me, and I am proud of him. It wouldn’t matter if I was gay or straight, or poly or non-binary. As long as I am safe. As long as I am happy. As long as I am a good, kind person who prioritises my family and lives a life with a strong, internal ethical compass.
So no, my dad is not ashamed of me. He is proud beyond belief.
When I reflect on my journey this far, I know it is his pride and unconditional love for me that holds space for the way I choose to live and love.
Dive Deeper
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