...But What About The Children?
When Non-Monogamy Meets Parenthood.
When people expand their relationship structure and pivot away from the monogamous family unit, the ‘wellbeing of the children’ can come into question. In our culture, and over the generations, ‘Mum + Dad + 2.5 kids’ has been considered the ‘right’ way to raise a family. From LGBTQI+ to interracial parents, the ‘wellbeing of the children’ is an old and painful ‘question’ which can manifest from a place of prejudice and fear.
Just like any parent, the safety and wellbeing of our child is forever at the forefront of my mind. How could it not be? My heart and mind will be forever wired to protect, observe, and connect in with my son. Underneath my social graces, I am a protective animal looking out for my young.
Children need only to be children. Their worlds should be filled with love and play, safety, and security. Children should have an age-appropriate exposure to adult relationship or sexual concepts. Like any monogamous relationship, our child is never exposed or made aware of our private adult time. He is three years old, he just wants to dig holes and make stuff.
Being ‘Sex Positive’ does not mean that a person is sex obsessed or that life is just one big sex party. Being a Sex Positive home simply means that healthy discussions can flow easily around the topics of boundaries, communication, sexual intimacies and health, connection, relationships, acceptance, love for our own bodies and hearts, as well as respecting and appreciating this within others. This is the messaging of Sex Positive culture, and from that place blooms the celebration of the unique and vast spectrum of sexual orientations and expressions, without judgement.
From a place of sexual positivity, a person’s sexuality can grow, with autonomy. Knowing that one’s body does not belong to a God, or any other person keeps our young people safe. Our bodies are our own. Other people’s bodies are their own. We are never entitled to another person. And another person is never entitled to us.
When we think about the internal realities of children it is so important to remember that our understanding of ‘normal’ differs. We are all moving through our worlds, experiencing multiple realities. The rhythms of families differ across cultures, there isn’t one right way to raise a family. Our social environments and privileges all influence what we perceive to be normal, hence the importance of trying to understand the other. By stepping outside of our bubbles, whether that be physically, intellectually, or emotionally can challenge us to reevaluate our choices and decipher which are conscious and which are heavily influenced by our upbringing and social surroundings.
Everyone moves from within their own conditioning- some people bring their children to places of worship that suppress and repress them in the name of purity. We choose to have our child in environments where he isn’t being taught to think a certain way or feel guilt or pressure to be anything other than his beautiful, human self. In our eyes, a Sex Positive home, is a safe home.
I am an advocate and ally for those who choose to raise their children in safe village/ community style environments. As a mother, I can see that the benefits are endless. We thrive in village environments. We are not meant to be alone and isolated with a spouse, we are built to lean on others for a multitude of needs. Even though I only live with my husband and my son, I have a village of friends and family who I turn to for differing support systems. Our relationships and connections are everything. We all need one another.
So, what does our non-Monogamous relationship look like through the eyes of our son? In all honesty, it would look like monogamy. Our son is being raised in a conventional looking family. We don’t show affection with others beyond that of a friendship in front of him. Not because we think that would be wrong, but it just isn’t something that we have ever been drawn to do. When we are with our son, which is a lot of the time, we are too caught up being ‘mum and dad’. When he is older and asks us about relationships, we will be sure to tell him that his options for connection are far broader than what he may see around him or read about in fairytales. Like the spectrum of sexual orientations, so too exists a full spectrum of how we can connect with others.
Dr Eli Sheff (one of the leading experts on consensual non-Monogamy in the United States and the foremost expert on Polyamorous families with children worldwide) shares that the ‘negative effects’ of non-Monogamy are not from the relationship structures themselves but are mostly from the projections of others onto the child, making the child feel like their family is unusual. Even if the family dynamic itself is happy, supportive, and secure- an ignorant understanding of Polyamorous/ non-Monogamous families from outsiders can be the source of doubt. Basically, it only becomes an issue if the child is bullied.
In Sheff’s studies, she noted that the most confusing aspect for children can come from when grandparents (in particular) question the child about their parent’s relationship and make concerned comments to the child. This is the point that can become highly confusing and destabilizing for young ones as they have deep trust in both their parents and their grandparents. This was one of the reasons why we decided to come out to our families, we didn’t want comments being made about monogamy being the ‘right way’ or pressures for him to find ‘the one’.
“Children from polyamorous families are learning a wide range of emotional, relationship and communication skills that are providing them with a lot of resilience in their life. They are learning how to establish networks of supportive intimacy wherever they go. They can communicate, negotiate, and know how to ask for their needs to be met and meet the needs of others. They learn a lot of relationship and personal skills that help to set them up to be functional, healthy, and happy adults. And not to say that there are not unhealthy polyamorous families, in the same way that there are unhealthy monogamous families- it all comes down to the people.”
-Dr Eli Sheff (on the Curious Fox podcast).
Monogamous people often divorce and remarry, creating new, larger family circles. Oftentimes there can be a breakdown in communication between the parents, resulting in situations where there are two families existing in parallel. I am not judging these situations or saying that they are wrong. In many cases, living in parallel whilst moving children between divorced parents is the most peaceful way for all involved. I am in no way anti-divorce and believe that leaving an unhappy, unsafe, or hopeless marriage is so important, it can also give the child
permission to do the same in their own lives. I think that we can all agree that ‘staying together for the kids’ doesn’t serve anyone, certainly not the children. Children should never be the glue that binds unhappily married people together. That is too great a burden on young ones.
So, I offer you this question- how is the dynamic of parents that are happily together, alongside additional, happy relationships with others- damaging to children? It can only be perceived of as ‘wrong’ when we are trying to make sense of a family unit through a firm monogamous lens, a lens that fools us into believing that anything other than Monogamy is immoral. Children flourish in peaceful, safe, and happy environments, no matter the relationship dynamic of the adults.
One of the internal barriers that halts me from speaking more publicly about non-Monogamy is the fact that I am a mother. Yet alongside that, I believe that sharing more about these relationship philosophies, from the perspective of the mother, has its own strength. I turn my back on the over glorified idea of the ‘selfless’ (having no self) mother and instead embrace the reality that filling my own being, as my own person is so beneficial to my family unit.
Having my son being raised by a woman who values her growth and independence, is an important lesson for him. Having him witness a family where his father encourages and celebrates his mother’s individuality and sense of self beyond the family unit will hopefully become his normal. And if he finds himself in relationships with women one day, I wish for him to also raise them up and embrace their freedoms instead of tying them down and possessing them, whether that be in a Monogamous or non-Monogamous relationship structure.
Photo taken of me, by my husband. 2022.