Balancing Passion And Motherhood

When I tell mothers that I am non-monogamous I can often see a wide eyed look of intrigue and confusion wash over their faces. I believe that this look doesn’t come from a place of judgment but perhaps from sheer mental gymnastics as to how a mother can make space emotionally and logistically for other partners.

Every one of us has the ability to have an expansive, deep love that can grow and fall upon many people, yet it is the limited bandwidth of time and energy which can stunt these possibilities for connection. Throw in patriarchal, social and religious conditioning and it can be almost impossible to stretch the mind around how a mother can find it within herself to have agency in this way.

We had been non-monogamous for years before we had a baby. There were parts of me that wondered whether or not motherhood would forever change my internal self, making me turn away from non-monogamy.

When the monumental shift of motherhood took over me, I was completely swept up in the intense focus on my baby. Breastfeeding around the clock, bonding, connecting, living and breathing all things baby. During this time I still believed that non-monogamy would come back into my life in a practical way, when I felt ready. I was not sure if it would be months or years, and I was at peace with that.

I believe that I might have easily stayed in that monogamous space after having a child for a long time, but at five months postpartum, my husband encouraged me with gentle support to connect with a past partner of mine while he was visiting NYC from London.

As I looked in the mirror at my soft and beautiful postpartum body, my husband reassured me that there was nothing wrong with connecting with my past lover. This partner was, and will always be incredibly special to me, and us. He was the first partner who I ever dated separately to my husband years earlier. He is someone who we trust and care for incredibly deeply.

Once the date was on the calendar, I could feel the anticipation flood my body. I was almost singing with excitement as I walked around Prospect Park with my baby in the front carrier. I felt an incredibly cheeky rush at the juxtaposition of being in my mother’s group whilst also anticipating this connection with my lover and my past self.

I felt alive and energised.

The logistics of making a date work with a baby are absolutely possible with the right support and understanding. My partner was flexible, he knew that I was going to meet him at the bar downstairs from our apartment ‘sometime between 7 and 8pm’. My husband happily then took our son out for a long walk in the carrier while I had my date and space in our apartment. It was so special to connect with my lover again, and I felt like the cheeky, playful part of me was shaken back to life. Being in his arms was such a stark contrast to the intensity of motherhood that had consumed my world beautifully for the past five months. And I didn’t realise until I was with him, how much I really needed those moments with him. There was no domesticity in our connection, just passion and play.

Later that night, when our date had ended and my lover had left, my husband and I connected with a passion that was fierce. It was as if we were in one another’s arms again for the very first time. I had been pulled from my world, awakened and placed back into my life with a different kind of energy. Desire was back in flow and it spilled over into all aspects of my life. My marriage, my mothering and my heart were overflowing with love.

Being non-monogamous in no way takes away from my dedication to mothering.

I do not need to sacrifice my sexual self and adventurous spirit to prove my motherhood.

These differing aspects of who I am coexist. I can lean into the multifaceted aspects of myself without guilt or repression, and I will always be filled with gratitude for being in a privileged position to be able to do so and share about it.

Photo taken of me by my husband, 2022.