A Lover’s Confession

Can I Stretch My Compersion?

“I am feeling so much compersion watching you two together” our lover whispered as she watched my husband and I embrace. I was aware of her eyes falling across us. Watching with curiosity as we melted into one another.

I remember that moment along with the curious feelings that stirred within me. Even though we were years into our journey of being open, it had never crossed my mind that another partner of either of us might feel compersion for the love and connection that Liam and I share together.

Amid this beautiful acknowledgement and deep appreciation of our connection, I felt protective and surprised that she would feel compersion for us.

Hadn’t compersion been something that was to be shared between us only?

When I think of the compersion that I feel for my husband, it is a feeling which is deeply embodied, combined with a state of arousal. It differs to the compersion that I have felt for other partner’s relationships. When it comes to compersion for other partners, it presents more as a distanced happiness. I am happy for them, yet I don’t feel overly invested in their other relationships. It is a lighter- ‘If you are happy, I am happy’ feeling. My body doesn’t pulse with the pleasure that it does for my husband.

As much as I share about non-monogamy, we still have our privacy when it comes to the ins and outs of our compersion and how it shows up. For us, compersion is a deeply bonding expression of connection. There are dynamics at play between us which have been birthed from a place of security, familiarity, and deep understanding of one another. This type of connection cannot be rushed. It comes from knowing someone over time and through the joys and difficulties of life together.

Perhaps I don’t feel these same strong feelings of compersion for other partners as it isn’t something that I or Liam feel drawn to cultivate? We love having experiences, expressions and feelings that are just for us, and this embodied aroused state of compersion happens to be one of those feelings. It isn’t a conscious boundary or rule to hinder the depth of our compersion felt for other partners, but it is a choice of where energy and thought is placed.

Similarly, to the way in which we have chosen to build a life together, we have chosen to cultivate, nurture and build the compersion which flows between us. Chosen dynamics weave and bind us to one another and compersion holds a significant and joyful part in our story.

When I begin to unpack my undeniable attachment to where my husband’s compersion flows, I am faced with the reality that perhaps I might feel jealousy at the thought of him forming an embodied compersion for another lover, more than I would feel for him being intimate with them? This question shows me, once again, that non-monogamy shines light into my attachments, desires and fears in a way that monogamy never did.

I am never done learning about myself in my marriage, and to me, this is a wonderous gift.

It was compersion that brought us to open our relationship in the first place, not a burning  desire to be with others. Looking back, it was almost as if we were gifting each other the opportunity to feel compersion by being open to connecting with others. Delicately opening up our relationship with consideration and care. Gently expanding our edges whilst firmly holding onto one another. Breathing together as we grow beyond the socially acceptable limits of what a romantic and committed relationship is meant to look like. Maintaining and deepening our pair bond whilst flexing and letting ourselves free from the iron clad grip of sexual fidelity.

Whilst this way of feeling compersion is beautiful, I am aware that it comes with responsibility and personal boundaries. Whether they be light and fleeting or a more emotional lovership, these connections must be genuine and sincere. This is not a space for people pleasing or connecting with people purely for creating an opportunity for compersion.

For me, compersion emerges from cultivating security, love and trust. It is not a feeling that can be rushed into being.

Like a relationship or a garden, it needs love and care and sometimes, time.

_

Photos taken of me by my husband yesterday at National Gallery of Australia

-

Side Note: I will be posting my writing every Wednesday on this Substack. If you connect with my work please Subscribe. Your support is greatly appreciated.

If you know anyone who may be interested in my work, hit the button below to share!